A dream and a death on Christmas

I had a dream  and I had forgotten about till I got to work. The last time I worked Christmas was either 2008 or 2009 but I doubt it was any of them considering we were barely working Christmas of 2009. The last time I worked 7a-7p on a Sunday, sometime in early 2009. I usually don't work Sundays because I don't like to. Today is Christmas and a Sunday. I agreed to work for someone. Why O Why?

So, the dream was that I got to work and was told by the office I wasn't needed where I had been scheduled and was going elsewhere I dreaded. So, my thinking was to prevent the dream from coming true, let me go to the unit directly versus the office in  the dream where I as told I was going to work somewhere else. So,  I went directly to the scheduled place thinking it was just a dream but my name wasn't there so I went to the office and just like the dream I was told I was going to 'XYZ'. I was actually told at the first unit and I told the secretary there I had a dream about today. I said something along the lines of "what a nightmare" or something with nightmare in it.

Interestingly, the day was going well. When I walked in, I heard a guy screaming and immediately said "that's my patient." And it turns out, He was. He was yelling, and he continued but stopped whenever I was in there or my colleague was in there.  No narcs or benzos given but he calmed down. So  I thought it was going to be bad like I had dreamt. I was in there doing some stuff between 1610 and 1625, went on break, came back at 1740 and looks like guy had tried moving out of bed. leg was hanging off, the other was inside. I start an antibiotic, repositioned, suctioned and then I noticed he's clammy. He would not take his meal. So I check is BP, darn!  Call a rapid but he's DNR.


What's heartbreaking was his daughters. The visitor who came in around 2ish earlier had commented they had not come to see him since admission. I talked to the visitor for a while in the room and he even pulled me out to tell me something they didn't want the patient finding out since he was sick. The daughters showed up around the beginning of the rapid response. They started crying, then wailing. My heart truly went out to them. They saw the man slipping away and eventually saw him die. Apparently, this patient had seen death many times this admission in the same way, he'd stop breathing but they'd be able get him out. He truly had nine lives. They didn't expect him to make it the next time it happened, which was today. We were hoping he'd see the new year.  But the daughters, they had ignored him and the one time they show up, he had agonal breath.Their pain, I cannot imagine.

His mom, she came in thanking everyone, she'd been taking care of him, seen him crash so many times and come out and yet, she didn't ask why couldn't you save him this time. She kept thanking us and saying you took such good care of him. She was so composed.

Me: I thought I had escaped the pull this morning when I went to the original unit and somehow, I got sent to the office and saw my dream en vivo (live). But I also thought my nightmare wouldn't be considering the lovely day I was having and somehow the last hour ended up being the nightmare. I thought I had escaped. Another person said to me, 'i felt this was going to happen, I was just waiting for it.' What scares me is the dream. It's been forever since I had dreams that just happened during the day when I woke up.
I'll admit I'm a bit scared having a dream manifest. I used to be scared in times past when I've had dreams come true like that. A friend said maybe this was meant to happen on your watch.

I've not had someone die on my watch here. I usually say no one dies on my watch. And somehow, on Christmas, on a Sunday, days when my chances of working are almost zero, this happens. I drove home listening to Marco Antonio Solis' "navidad sin ti"

Otro año ya se ha ido

cuantas cosas han pasado

algo hemos aprendido

y algo hemos olvidado.....

I've been listening to and signing this song but now, I feel those daughters would need it more than I do. As Caesar said, "death a necessary end will come when it would come".

Merry Christmas.

It's hard being lost

It's hard being lost because a lost of times you do not know that the missing element is YOU. Toi, tu, Du, whatever language you want to say that in. it's also a terrible feeling because you feel and know something is missing. You search and search but don't know exactly what it is so you can't find it.

The other mistake is thinking it's something else missing from your life when it's really YOU. I think I mentioned a few posts ago how terrible it is to be searching for what you think is there but doesn't even exist. It's like chasing the wind. You never catch it.

On Being Ready - A tale of the wine jar

The last chapter in Isaiah spoke personally to me because it gave me hope. It was the most reassuring passage I'd read. It's the part that talks about shall I bring to delivery and not give birth? part. It was the assurance that God will follow through.

I was talking to someone and he mentioned something similar. My crazy miente assumed that was a confirmation that God was still going to come through for me. But He also mentioned sometimes, God doesn't do something because you're not ready. My mind ignored that completely.

Ready, I've been ready, I've prayed and prayed. But praying does not equal ready. Over the last few weeks I've come to realize that I wasn't ready for certain things. I was not wise. I needed to learn certain things first.

I liken it to having new wine and a dirty old wine vessel. You can't pour new wine into the dirty old vessel. It'll mess up the new wine as it'll become contaminated. Instead, one must first clean the old vessel and then it'll be ready for the new wine. So it is with us. Sometimes, God needs to make us ready for certain things. Whether through experiences that will teach us lessons or by us making our own mistakes and stumbling in the dark till we realize we need a light to help us find our way. Either way, sometimes, we're not ready. we are dirty wine jars that need to be cleaned out and made ready for the new wine. Otherwise, the new wine poured into the dirty vessel will become dirty and no good.

The caveat is that the cleaning (or should I say learning) experience can be quite painful. The jar endures the hard scrub, we endure pain sometimes.

When you're sure God is wrong

Regarding my last post. I mentioned thanking God for not giving me something I had prayed for. This is something I had prayed for for the last 6years, I think. Something I saw as my number one desire. Give me it and all will be well. I have fasted and prayed and still...Nothing. I had nailed it to the cross those easters when they had that thing done. Still.

For the first time in my life I didn't go to church for about 3 weeks or so this year because I asked "what's the point." What got me to ask that question was a sermon that should've strengthened my faith. The preacher used a psalm and said his congregant approached him asking if God has said this in His word and she has kept herself pure, serves in the church, etc, why does she now have cancer? I struggled with that myself looking at what I'd prayed to God for and didn't have. I figured if it was all doom at the end, what's the point?

I'm not sure what got me back to church. I think i visited my old home one morning, I signed up for group, commited to the 6 week and then the rest is history. It really did help build back my faith.

Still, I was sure God was wrong in not giving what I'd asked for considering His word and promises and I kept saying "when i meet God I will have a question" (That's a line from Mark Schultz's song). Because as I read my Bible and read the if's/then, I was even more sure God was wrong because he wasn't doing as He'd said in his word. I tried to hold onto Psalm 46:10. It was hard, should I do something or sit still but this was a Psalm that became very dear to me this year. I had tried to take matters into my own hands 4 years ago and  failed misreably. I didn't get why If God wasn't going to make a way, why He would block me making a path for me.

It's not like  heard any strange voice or anything but it dawned on me last week that the very reason why I was angry with God, thinking He had not done, had he done, it would have been really bad for me. In fact, there are 2 things I don't have and  it's not that I don't want them or need them anymore but anytime before now would've been bad. I'm thankful God didn't throw His arms out like a fed up parent and say "here, you want, you got it." I wasn't ready for both items.  I was so not ready and now I see so clearly and Thank God.

More importantly, I was wrong. He wasn't. I had to go back and read Psalm 19: ...The law of the Lord is perfect....

When all you see is what you don't have - Prayers answered

In the midst of looking at what I didn't have, I failed to see all that I had and all that God had given me and is giving me.

I got some pretty good news last Wednesday, 12/14/2016. But the truth is that starting on Sunday, I'd told myself I needed to thank God for healing - I got a clean bill of health the previous week and I felt like a burden had been lifted off my head considering what I'd been through. Then somewhere around Monday and Tuesday, I realized the one thing I had prayed for the most and didn't have, the one thing I felt God was holding from me unfairly was not only something I didn't need considering the various ways He's provided, but it was something that would've been a disaster had He answered my prayers. On tuesday actually, the list became 2. I realized it wasn't just my top request but my top 2 requests were things I needed to thank God for not giving me. Again, disaster!

I had read my bible Wednesday AM and was about to pray when my phone rang. I usually won't answer the phone If I haven't prayed but considering who was calling, I wasn't sure if it was bad news at the end of the line. I answered and when the conversation was more of a "how are you doing?" "how is work?" kind of topic, I told the person I would call back in 5 minutes. I called back in 20. I hanged up and went on praying to thank God for what he's done and for what He didn't do because by not doing, He had actually done.

Upon returning the phone call, I was given another good news. To the person it was one good new, for me, it was at least 2 or 3. For me, it was prayer answered. In fact one of those 2 things was something I have prayed and prayed about. I had gone from place to place in the last 3 years and even more recently, I had someone use the term "spiritual covering". I had gotten tired and decided I was going to stick to my "boring" church. I was going to pray to God. I am not going anywhere, I really don't like someone putting their hands on me. I don't believe God will only answer prayers if you go to a particular church to pray or forest or whatever. I believe God is ever present, and he hears both the saint and the sinner. In fact, On my way to group one day I had a monologue with God (don't ask) and asked why He can't do it based on me praying, why do I have to go somewhere because it defeats the purpose and I was waiting on Him.

Well, He came through and He came though abundantly and when I went back to write in my journal and pray again, I realized another prayer had been answered all year. In fact it's the biggest change that has happened to me this year and somehow, I'd failed to see that it was a prayer answered.

So by fixing my gaze on what I didn't have, I failed to see ALL God had done and I also failed to see that what I didn't have, He had not given because It would have been a disaster. I actually prayed Wednesday thanking Him for not answering those particular prayers. Ironic huh?

The problem with being a muppet (or should i say losing you)

As a follow up to the last post, the big problem with being a muppet is this:

You lose you. Yes, Of all the people you would meet in this life, you can lose you. What happens is that you end up in a game of sorts, where someone starts, stops and picks up later and decide to finish or try to finish (the occasional advisor) or they never pick it up again (for those who give you one-time advice). But you are no longer you. You are an item in someone elses game. You've given up control to someone else.

Ever played pacman? it keeps going till you use the controls to change it's course and if it hits a wall and you're absent minded, it just stays there till you move it. And if you don't, it gets eaten because eventually it gets caught. But that's because it's doesn't move on it's own volition. Same here; someone moves you and when they don't move you, you keep going in the direction where they steared you . You hit a wall and they are tehre to help, they'll navigate you away for a bit. Or you just get stuck and you may meet your end as your'e trying to dig your way out.

These are some reasons why it's wrong to listen to others:

• Most don't really care about your life
• You can't trust man blindly. (I've rule #2 to remember one thing I fail to remember often)
• They don't know how to live life. They didn't create it, they don't have the user manual on it. As a matter of fact, they can barely live their own life. What makes them experts in the art of living?!
• It's no longer you but their game or side project. The problem with a game is that it's just that - A game. The problem with that is that it's your life and when it becomes a game, well, you are a living being. Add it up. But the real thing is that you have to give account one day of your life to God. It was given to you, not to someone else, so YOU are responsible for it. By losing yourself, you don't get to live. Someone just moves you around and you go through life as a living muppet.

On being a muppet (when you lose yourself)

A good pastor at a local church said in a sermon I have said something along these lines "How on earth is the world supposed to tell me how to live as a Christian?!"

It can't. You can't look at the manual for changing a part in a KIA vehicle as guidance for changing a part in a Hummer. Wrong manual.  Yet, so many of us go through life being muppets. Having others tell us what to do. Following the dictates of society. So how does someone else tell me how to live my life? They really can't. And to follow it is stupid. You become a muppet.

What ends up is a lot of mistake and anger. First of all, people don't have time to run you life. They barely have time to ran their lives and even then, most are failing at it with some failing miserably just as you are. Others are barely making it. How then can they ran yours successfully? They can't! Ha!

The other thing is that it's like this:
Somewhere on a journey you're lost. You're told my a well-meaning stranger who tells you to turn left on the road and drive till you get to the light. They don't tell you where you're headed. What do you do when you take that unknown road and get to the light? You take a guess there and make a right only to get into a swam 1 mile down the road. You had a map for Road A, but they got you on Road C and now that you're there on Road C, you don't know how to get out of that swamp because you didn't plan that route to begin with. It becomes even harder trying to get out of there. For all you know, there could be gators in that swamp.

Sometimes, just sometimes, they tell you where they want you to end up at but they dont' give you full directions and they are not there to guide you. Therefore following their plan is just a waste of time and energy. For times when you plan to get from A to B but are told by someone to get to D. Ask WHY? Why should you get to D? What reason is given to you? Is it your reason? Why must you change your destination? Will it benefit you? Moreover, why does a person struggling on their won course tell you your destination?

I'll end with a quote by Dr David Seabury:

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel deeply in your spirit as you htik in yhour mind that the counsel is wise.

On the Road to Gethsemane...

 Jo Coudert writes Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave nor lose...

It's a good thing to pursue something. But it's a terrible thing to pursue what you think is the right thing when it turns out it's not. Worse still, it's awful looking for something you think exists but doesn't. Talk about chasing the wind.

I've always said on the road to Gethsemane I lost my way....And for the last few years, I've been trying to find that way back. Or so I thought. I felt what i'd lost was my relationship with God, I missed how it used to be. I wanted to get back to there. What is there? To praying, to reading my bible, to meditating. But over the last few years I've done that. Even after I felt disconnected, I went through the motions based on something I heard on Christian radio. And I've been doing that. I started last year with the pursuit of God and I felt that got me even closer. I've been praying, not like I used to, but almost like I used to. But still, I didn't feel I was there yet. Sometime this year after doing the second group studies, I felt I was almost there, if not a different and better height than I used to be.

So what has this got to with the quote at the beggining? Here's what I discovered lately:  On the road to Gethsemane it wasn't so much the way I lost. I lost something most people would argue you can't lose and I will argue it's possible to lose. I lost ME. Who I am and was. It hit me sometime after my last post. Now, I agree and disagree with Jo Coudert. I beleive a person can lose who they are, their identity, such that they become muppets, moving at the will of others. But I do agree that in this life, while people may desert me, I'll be there for me. Whether I'm there in my right mind or not, I'll still have myself.  I actually just started reading chapter one of her book and I haven't gotten past the first page.

It wasn't the way I had lost. It wasn't the praying and reading my bible and all the other stuff that made me what I was. David Seabury wrote, and I'll paraphrase since i can't find the book to quote verbatim , 'look to a time when you were happy, what were you doing then? Go back and do those very things.' Well, I was reading my bible, I was praying, and still....What I was missing was the fact that I wasn't me. What made me me was that I never compromised back then. I felt free to be me and I was me. I didn't fear the eyes of man.

What changed? I compromised! I've looked back at all my failures since college and I've realized they were due to the fact that I compromised myself. Every single one! But where did I change? Oh, I'm not going to go into all that. But what I came to see was that I wasn't thinking. I was doing what others told me to do. Now that is a grievious error. It's the self-neglect in it's worst form!

So on the road to Gethsemane, I lost me.  How is that possible? Hmm...

Your Gaze

Here's the thing:

When you're faced with hard times, do  you
1. Look and see all the things you don't have in your life especially the ones you've prayed for? or
2. Look at all God has done for you in the past and trust his promises?

The thing here is the enemy works to control your gaze. All he needs to do is get us to see certain things and the rest will follow: fear, panic, sin, blasphemy, doubting God, etc

If he gets you with option 1, then his work is easy.
If you get to option 2, then you know He who parted the Red Sea can provide for you and you can say Psalm 46 and rest easy.


So, it is important to take control of your gaze before the enemy takes it over and if he does, refocus it. You're in control of you.

Fear

I was driving with someone the other day when the person ahead just stopped at turn and wasn't moving (I'm not surprised). But anyway, he says to me "why was he not going? My response: "Fear".

Such a powerful emotion. It can cripple and paralyze. It results in irrational actions and behaviors. It The panic that accompanies is catastrophic to say the least.

I got a phone call today that broke me...I actually cried. Not sure exactly why I cried as I was pretty stoic over the phone when the person was saying "don't worry about it...." I was so composed, thank them and thought "OK". And yet minutes after I hang up, I caved in. And then my mind went to ten million places....

Somehow, I got over, got some food and decided to watch this american life. Interesting story I watched. Made me feel like one of those days when I walk in trauma and come out thinking....ok...It's not that bad with me.

But like Mike, the guy who the piece was centered on, I've also realized how tenuous my life is and I've realized I don't have time to waste on fear. If you've read previous posts, I've described time as the dark villain in the story of life, looming with it's dark presence. Anyway... After the sermon I heard and listening to Scott Krippayne, I trust that God will act. Next!

The Hard and Easy

The hard thing and yet so easy to do as a Christian is this:

Knowing there are snakes on the ground, knowing they are looking to bite, knowing you need to make sure you're not bitten lest you die, knowing the best way to keep from getting bitten is looking up to the Serpent on the rod and YET looking to the ground instead and trying to ward off the little snakes there.

It's hard because we see the serpents on the ground and logic tells us the best way is to move our legs away from them or strike them with something if we can. Logic tells us to do something, fight them where they are. And yet we do that, expend precious energy doing that, and fail - we get bitten!

On the Contrary, we could conserve that energy and look up as we're commanded and live. Easy, huh?

And yet, we find it so hard to sit still and let God act. We fight and fail. O, the irony!

Knowing Yourself

Someone said at the morning talks "if you don't know yourself, the stock market is an expensive way to find out." True. But even if Wall St. wasn't relevant to me, I still think knowing yourself is important.

I was reading through proverbs earlier this year. I realized certain "characteristics" I possessed. Y por eso, I highlighted a lot in my bible and pretty soon I saw a pattern. That was part of why I started my Rules. Also Bennett was a contributor...reading his books, non-fiction ones, got me to look at philosophy, Marcus Aurelius...etc. Not that I adhered to stoicism but I've learned excess emotions is well...I thought I knew myself a bit then.

Lately however, after a bit of a hiatus, I've come to piece it all together. Not pretty but lying to myself is just stupid. I ordered a workbook to help me deal with the whole saga. I didn't think it would be helpful. I felt I'd gotten things under control reading all the stuff I did. But I've only gone through 5% of the first chapter and I've found it helpful.

I signed up for  HELOC with a bank. Not even sure why I signed up for it because my cash equity in my bank acct was about the amount of the HELOC. I've no mortgage, why get one? I had a reason back then but maybe I should've waited. Thing is opening a checking account with this bank has been the greatest scam ever. I didn't look at my statements till June when I realized I was being charged a fee and I was enrolled in an account I didn't sign up for. Wasn't even in the brochure I had. I asked to be switched and the person I spoke to over the phone agreed to do that and to refund the fees. That was back in june. I looked today and only the fee for june was refunded, the account was not changed to what I had initially asked for as she said over the phone and I've been charged fees since!

I noticed I was starting to get frustrated. Immediately, I started to implement some of the little things I'd learned from that cheap workbook (thank you amazon). As I spoke to the lady, I asked her 4 questions to start, I wasn't irate, I was upset but I listened to her explain the reason why I'm getting the fees is because the checking account was never linked to the credit line. After going back and forth, I thanked her, let her know I understand it is not her doing and my negligence in not reviewing my that account was part to blame. That and violating rule #2. Lady I spoke to in June said she'll refund all fees and changed the account. Ha!

The old me would lay down and sulk and be frustrated. Thank to the little workbook...why waste time. What matters is here and what happens from here. One of Bennett's novels - the old wive's tale shows the most powerful and perhaps chilling villain in the story of life is .....Time.
Oh well, I've got a book to read and more important things to do. I've wasted enough of it already.

Influences this year

I've read a few books by Bennett this year and I'm still reading his books. What attracted me to him was how blunt he was... he tells the truth like it is. Without fear or remorse. I saw a characteristic I possesed but don't see in others. People tell me I'm blunt. The irony is that I've learned from Bennett the importance of not being blunt always. Just because I won't lie doesn't mean I have to verbalize the truth. I've many thoughts about his works and a blog post won't be sufficient to write it.

I was looking at a DBT book on amazon (long story on how I got to that book later) following a truth I've had to embrace this week. A reviewer summarized the main points of the book and I thought to myself 'I've learned these from Bennett" that and reading "Proverbs" earlier this year.
The reviewer listed Distress Tolerance, Emotional regulation , interpersonal Effectiveness and Mindfullness. These are what is involved in these.  Let's see all of these were summarized in How to live 24 hours a day. I learned more about Mindfulness from "The Human Machine" and his third book I read "Mental Efficiency and ..." He talks about "the petty artificialities". Also things like breaking down with the past etc were topics covered in the last book. I also read Marcus Andronicu when I get the chance. These have all helped me in this arena. 

The funny thing is that I identified my symptoms and started working on resolving them. What I can't answer is did I fail to see the label they fall under because it's been almost 10years since I did a clinical rotation in this field or was I in denial? 

Here's the problem with the possessing the knowledge to self diagnose:

It's a blessing and a curse.

The hard part, however, is being true to yourself  in order to accept the cold hard truth.

The boy who fell

Here's an interesting observation I made as I walked out of small group this evening:
Lady has a few children with her. Older boy about 6 years is up ahead on the sidewalk. Another boy,  either the same age or a year younger runs up, obviously against advice, to catch up with first boy. I watched him ran and I feel like a poor historian because I'm not sure if he somehow fell because his shoe got caught in the step of the sidewalk by him failing to realize he needed to lift his foot up or he just tripped. Either way, it was a big fall. I was taken aback for a second. There was silence but as I asked are you OK, second boy starts to wail.

Another thing I need to point out is that when second boy fell, part of his body hit first boy who was walking calmly on the sidewalk causing him to also fall. So they both fell. However, when I asked are you OK, it was second boy who starts to wail loudly. First boy doesn't cry.

But that's not the interesting observation. The actual observation is that when they fell, it was the mother/woman who had to come pick him up and console him. She came up quickly as she was slightly posterior to me. First boy who got up by himself was just standing there. Was second boy wailing loudly because of the severity of the fall or the embarrassment of a stranger (me) making a sound at the fall and asking if they were OK?

Well, what's the point of blogging about a fall? It's not really about the fall. Here's what happens to us: Parent tells a child not to run, he does, he falls and then who has to pick him up and nurse those wounds? The parent. The very person he disobeyed in the beginning. Same thing with the Christian and God. We disobey, we get caught in the consequences of our foolishness and who do we cry out to for help rescuing us? God. The very person whom we disobeyed.

Here's the other interesting thing: second boy's actions caused first boy, who was walking as he should, to also fall and possibly get some scrapes as well. Sometimes in our act of disobedience, our actions hurt others. We don't just hurt ourselves. Of course the poor kid is too young to see that as he wails like he's the only who fell. I actually felt first boy should be the one wailing because second boy partially fell on him.

The bottom line, there are two aspects to disobedience - We can get hurt and hurt others in the process AND The irony is that we expect to be "picked up" from our mess and usually it's the very person whom we've disobeyed who gets us out. Not because we merit it but because we're loved unconditionally.

The christian and drepression

I don't mean to discuss fully the subject of depression and the context in which I discuss this is totally outside my professional opinion. That said, I've no interest today. I woke up excited but as some days gone by, I rushed to living, hit a brick wall, tried to push myself and then I'm _____. I have no word to describe how I feel. I don't feel depressed or sorry for myself. I'm not my usual excited self. I just can't put my hand on what's exactly troubling me. I feel like something is troubling me that I can't pinpoint, like something that should worry me. Not sure.

That said, I thought about a sermon I read a week or so ago. I've heard someone say on the radio that Spurgeon suffered from depression. I've read some of his sermons and had not come into that aspect till I opened one  of the volumes I'd not read yet. It's his sermon "Fear Not". I felt it was as honest as  preacher can be. To admit his sermon is directed to himself while encouraging those who are "downhearted". To admit

"My soul is cast down within me. I feel as if I had rather die than live; all that God hat done by me seems to be forgotten, and my spirit flags and my courage breaks down with the thought of that which is to come. I need your prayers..." C. H Spurgeon.

Lowness of spirit and distress of mind. That's actually how I feel. I'm trying to dig down to find why I feel the way I do. I actually find I've no interest in doing anything right now. Although I did do some videos for my course and that got me excited. I'm wondering if it's because I made a mistake today I've made over and over again and somehow the outrageousness of my actions  has me numb as I somehow can't believe it.

I always think of the text that says "and David encouraged himself". The other thing I said to myself is in a time like this, the best thing I can do is pray. I've talked to a bunch of people this afternoon. About various matters. Nothing too personal...just conversation. But that's not it. It's not being lonely.  I've someone here with me. I still can't pinpoint it. Spending too much time to figure out this unsettling feeling breaks rule #6 and might lead me to break #1. So I'll just pray and trust that Isaiah 41:14 surely applies to this lowly worm.

What does it all have to do with Spurgeon? Not much. I just referenced his sermon to demonstrate that Even the Prince of Preachers had lowliness of spirit. And it happens. The goal is not to hide it but to remember that it's OK to be honest. To admit what's going on. Share with someone And to encourage yourself through God's word. You're not alone.
 

Hope and Denial pt 2.

So what is the difference between hope and denial? I don't think I've any qualifications to distinguish the two so these are based on my personal experience, thoughts and assumptions.

Some people buy a frog hoping it will turn into a princess. I buy a princess knowing it will turn into a frog.

This is a theme inherent in investing but I think it applies to other life situation. A person buys a bad stock, something that's dropping massively, the aim is that they catch it at the bottom and see it revert and skyrocket. What ends up happening is they catch a falling knife and it rips them. The story of the princess and the frog. You want dust to turn to gold. Ironically, DUST is a Direxxion bear for miners. It's a ticker related to gold...ha ha.

The thing is to buy a good stock knowing that eventually, it will pay off with good dividends, appreciation etc. I can give multiple examples in both cases. But still, people patronize these stocks. Stocks you know are going to be delisted, reverse split after reverse split. I've personally seen the reverse splits as a good chance to short. It's a frog, it'll stay a frog...unless that magic happens when it turns into a princess and how often does that happen? Exactly.

I'm quick to cut my losses. Doing that was helped me to hit 12%+ of that portfolio earlier this year. Does that mean you need to cut your losses quickly all the time? it depends. Are you buying SPY at 180? What do you do at 160? This is a very situation and I'm not giving investment advise here so this should not be considered as one. There are many factors and there's a difference between trading and investing.

I just noticed the same situation applies to real life. Taking a bad situation and hoping to make the best of it. In my investsments, I'd cut it short if i wasn't getting a return.  A lot of times, we put up with hell, hoping it would turn into earth or perhaps heaven. We suffer and suffer and yet we continue to hope and hope? Again how long do we put up with hell till we decide enough is enough when we have the power leave?

I've seen people endure abusive marriages, relationships, other hellish situations and yet, they hope. OR are they in denial? Are they failing to see the situation for what it is. Is acknowledging it as a bad situation but hoping things would change also a form of denial? Denial of the fact that certain things might not change? You CAN teach an old dog new tricks If it's willing to learn. That's something I've learned this year.

The problem is that we finally discover our hope has actually been denial disguised as hope? We are still unable to break free? Why? I think psychology plays a part here. The fear

• That perhaps we are giving up too early, 
• Of guilt, that we are not doing enough to effect change (guilt is a very great instrument the enemy uses)
• That this may be our portion (pure nonsense. Another lie the enemy tells. I've come to realize God does not put his children through hell here on earth.) If you think it is your portion, pray and ask God to change it. He can... Jabez did, Hezekiah prayed and effected change.
• Maybe it's me...maybe I'm the problem. Need a I say more...Another lie. The enemy likes a confused mind for several reasons. One being that they can't think and make decisions.
• One more day, week, month, year. Telling ourselves to hold on a little longer, maybe the situation needs more time to change. Or perhaps others have told you this silly lie, oh, just bear a little longer and you'll get there. I like my two bears - bear and forbea r- but wise judgement is needed in this case.
• Fear that things might turn just when we give up. You want to be there when the change happens. You want others to say oh, such and such helped the change. Or it's a stock you bought at $10, seeing it sit at $2 for a year and finally, FDA news comes out and you're bragging now when it's at $20 because you held on and didn't give up. Same applies in life. The question I ask here is motive? Is the motive really holding on and hoping you can recoup your investment or where you waiting for bragging rights? The ability to boast and say "hey, it paid off finally"? I'm not necessarily condemning but what is your opportunity cost? Could you have invested in something else by cutting your losses early and moving on to other things? And here's another alternative for you: Maybe, you're not the one to effect the change. I have a song by Greg Long that says if it takes 15 times to hear about Jesus, for someone to be believe.... you could be the first, the fifth, there may be years in between but what if you're not fifteen? 

I know it's not as easy as I make it sound. I struggle myself. When do I give up and fold? What if I'm making the wrong choice. What if all the choices I listed above?  What if I'm being impatient? What if I'm not bearing and forbearing as I should? What if....?

Well we don't know, do we? Ours is to make the right decision. What if it's not the right decision? Examine things carefully....This is another blog on it's own - decisions.

So is there a much of a difference between hope and denial or do our hope sometimes turn into denial? Or was it denial all along masquerading as hope?

Hope and Denial

"Denial is not a river in Egypt" - Anonymous on stocktwits.

Lately I have wondered about these two: Hope and Denial.
I had a patient at the clinic I volunteer at a few years ago, she was much older. I've done multiple pregnancy tests and had never had one turn out positive till that day. Unsure if I'd done something wrong, I repeated it. Then I turned to her and asked her if she thought she was pregnant. Her response was "I hope not." I went to the Medical director and relayed the info to her. Her response was "Hope is a very poor form of birth control." However she went on to say, this might be a good thing for her. Lady was closer to 50. She was uninsured hence her presence at this clinic which is the best clinic I've ever been at. Much better service that I got from other places as an insured person. Anyway, the director pointed out she'll now qualify for state care for a few years with the baby among other things. I doubt the lady really wanted that.

Anyway, in regards to a situation I'd dealing with, I've had to ask myself how much longer will I put up with hell till I say enough? I took someone in taking care of them, hoping that living with me would help the situation, they might revert to who they were and function. The sad truth is that nothing has changed in that arena. I acually think it's either the same or it has worsened. What has also worsened here is me - my health! about 5 months into this, I said, this is not working...I saw it wasn't working. I wanted to deal with the situation as fast as I could. Problem is I was indecisive, controlled by fear, the unknown and the voice of people telling me this is what you're supposed to do. In short, I did not think and put my foot down on a firm decision. It's cost me a lot 2.5years later.

But over the entire time, there have been many, many, MANY times where I've said, this is it, I need to fold and yet, I pray and hope that things might change. That if I try harder, my efforts would show something. The other part is failure. Not having failed at anything, I look and see that I've not made any progress with this, besides better physical health, but nothing on the mental part and in comes the third reason: fearing the eyes of man more than the eyes of God. I know better but sometimes I unconsciously give in. But it's what people would say, that I took a bad situation to help and couldn't effect any significant change. So I hold on, working hard, to my detriment, and hoping that things would change.

Is this hope or denial? Is there a line between the two?  Denial is knowing something for what it is and failing to acknowledge it for what it is. Kinda like the ostrich in the african desert, it sees the car coming and puts it's head in the sand thinking it's not there. Hope is also knowing something for what it is and expecting something else. Kinda like the ostrich in the sand, same situation. I just looked up the definition of hope in Webster online: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true" . Dictionary.com defines denial as "Denial definition, an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false" I was close. So whether it's putting your head in the sand telling yourself a car isn't coming at you at full speed or telling yourself by putting your head in the sand the car is not there and you won't be hit, the underlying action is the same in both cases - we ignore the problem for what it is.

So back to square one? Is hope and denial really different? are they different shades of blue? Or are they one and the same with just different names. Someone might think, 'wait, you just gave two different definitions there, how can you ask if they're the same." Well, with hope, we want something to be true, it's not true but we want it to be so. In denial it's not true and we say it is true. In both cases, they are not true. No son verdades! If you look at the ostrich though, they're really the same. But inherently, I think they are different with a fine line between.

I'll end here and continue some other time.

What a friend we have in Jesus

Not sure why this song popped into my head today. I'm not going to dissect the lyrics.
However, one thing I've noticed is this:
People aren't there for you always. They are human. Even if they can be there when you need them, there's a chance something could be in the way. They might be sick themselves, in a meeting and unable to pick up a call, working and unavailable, I could go on and on and on. You've also gotta realize that they have their own issues. Do they have your best at heart? Umm... Will they die for you? There, the answer is much easier when asked this way right?

The other thing is this: God is always available and He has your best at heart. Have you ever Knelt in prayer and as soon as you say "Dear God..." you heard "not now, I'm busy"?

Why we turn to man instead of God? that's a mystery to me right now.

Karma? or "I will repay"?

I've said I don't believe in Karma. BUT, I do believe you reap what you sow. Same thing, different thing? My answer: what difference does it make?

Why do I believe you reap what you sow? One of the things I've dwelt upon in the past was that if Jacob (of Jacob I love Esau I hate fame) got his comeuppance, then who are we to escape? There are many other instances in the bible I could quote... Do not be fooled, God is not mocked, whatsoever a man soweth he repeth....I'm not looking in the bible right now but I think that's along the lines of the Apostle Paul.

But even if we ignore biblical logical, I think we can look at those who don't believe and realize they recognize this and call it Karma. Clearly, it's evident you reap what you sow.

It took me a while to wrap my head around this concept. I debated with a friend on another continent earlier this year asking if God forgives, then why do we still suffer the consequences of our sin? Why don't we get off scott free? David confessed his sin, yet....look at what happened. If you are suffering the consequences, then how can we say there's forgiveness if you still have to pay a price? Look at Paul, he prosecuted and when he became an apostle, well... he went through the same thing. Was that repayment? a you reap what you sow? These are many questions I had and we went about this for over an hour.

Well, here's what she said: You are forgiven but you must pay the consequence of your sin. I didn't understand what she said back then but through a series of personal study and prayer, I've come to understand this concept. Might discuss some other time.

I've personally realized it's like an unspoken, unwritten law of nature; You reap what you sow. Something happened last year when I moved into my current residence. I did nothing about it. It's been over a year. But last month I saw what looked like a repayment. It reminded me of the Psalm 91 ...only with your eyes shall you see...It took a while but I realized what the person did, they reaped. So here's what I was wondering last week: Somewhere God says "Vengence is mine, I will repay". Note the word "will". This is God saying "I will repay".  My focus here is on "I will repay".  Is this what it stems from? That He will repay? Because if it is, then He surely does repay.

Life is not a snapshot

I find it very hard to see God's action in my life, most of the time when it's ongoing. Lately I operate on faith and trust. A lot of times in the past, it's been a matter of praying because I think the process hasn't started or because I think it's not being  done. What I find quite easier to do, however, is see what God had done in hindsight. Note I said "easier" which means even then I don't see it always. There are times when I recognize something 5 or 10 years after the fact or even more. But usually within weeks, months or justa few years, I can see in hindsight.

What makes it hard to see? I don't know. I'll speculate and say our expectations may be part of it. We're not seeing it done the way we expect and so it appears it's not being done.  But when the results show up, oftentimes, it's easier to look back and see what had been going on and how it led to the results.

One thing I used to struggle with was Joseph. Why did he have to go through all of that : being sold, Potiphar's wife, being thrown to jail, the fact that he was in a foreign land with no family. What if Potiphar had chosen to kill him rather than throw him in Jail? I've come to realize the whole thing was a way for God to provide for Jacob and his family in the family that was yet to come. Egypt had the resources and people and logistics to produce and store food for that.

Well then why did Joseph had to go through ALL of that if God wanted him to end upa ruler in Egypt? Why didn't he just take him straight to it? I can't answer for God but here's my thought: would Americans accept a young man from say Poland as vice president? There are citizens here who are qualified right? So why would Egyptians accept some foreigner to rule without any merit? Not gonna happen. If you look closely it all falls into place perfectly.

What about the question I posed earlier about what if Potiphar had killed rather than throw in jail? Remember Job? God doesn't throw the soul he created to the devil. He was with Joseph guiding the situation and I believe he wouldn't let that happen. If the plan is to slowly get Joseph right under Pharaoh so his family can be provided for when that famine came, death was certainly not in the picture. Logically it defeats the whole purpose.

I've personally seen something go in on my life that didn't make sense. And I thought I'd seen the end result a week ago and I was so thankful to God because in hindsight I saw what He'd done and I was amazed. I thought that was the end point of what God was doing. This wasn't something I'd even prayed for. Well today I read an email and I was shocked and amazed. I thought I'd looked in hindsight a week ago and seen what God had done but now I see what He's done. What I thought was His completion was still a part of the process.

All I can say is He saw what was coming yesterday and He made provisions for me. I was thinking these provisions started a month ago but who's to say He didn't start  this 4 years ago? What has amazed me is how in a time when others have uncertainty at sudden bad news, I can look back and say "Thank You, God".

His ways are perfect. Sometimes I wish I know He's working so I can quiet down and not worry or panic. But lately though, I'm rest assured that He will not fail at His word. And I'm times of trouble, I'm assured by Psalm 46:10.

Life is not a snapshot - there's a bigger picture.

The "how"

This is something I've used in the past to remind myself when in trouble :

Israel, standing before the red sea look back and see the Egyptian army. May I emphasize “army” so we acknowledge they are armed, chariots et all. They look before them and it's a see. What do they do?

Here's the human way to look at it. Going forward means drowning which is death. Going back means death for a mighty army was coming after them. What to they do?

In the past, I've used this to remind myself when I'm in a bind that God can deliver. Since he was able to do it for Israel. And that what they should have done is remember his mighty deeds in Egypt and realize he had not changed since they left Egypt - He was still the God who can do miracles. But it's so easy to say that isn't it? Trust in God. Yet, many of us have experienced God's miracles in our lives and in times of trouble, we crumble faster than we can say the word “pray”. 

But even in times when I've reminded myself that God can do it, many many times, I've asked “HOW?” Because the reason I'm panicking in most of these instances is that I see no way- no way out, no solution, an impossibility. I want to know how. And as I write this I'm starting to think it's because if I know how God would do it, I can analyze it and say “oh yeah, it can be done that way” and then I wouldn't worry. There have been times I've prayed asking God “just show me how, Lord”. I want to know how so my anxiety can lessen. I know God can do it, I don't don't His power. It's wanting to be in the know that gets me. There's also been few times I've asked “will you?” And most other times it's been “when?” The how and when are what I tend to ask. I'll deal with the others another day but when it comes to the how, should that even be a question?

One thing that cemented the fact that God is omniscient was a Him telling Abraham his descendants would be slaves in another land and He would deliver them. Abraham didn't ask how? He trusted that promise.

Sometimes not seeing ‘how’ leads us to take matters into our own hands. We attempt to create a solution and in so doing we not only make things worse, but we sin and even in cases where we do get things taken care of, there is still a shadow of sin behind it. I usually think of King Saul who went ahead to sacrifice before Samuel you there. And many times I've prayed asking God not to put me in that position as Saul where I act before his grace appears. Because if Saul had not sinned, would there have been a David?

But it's so hard to just sit tight and wait, isn't it? So here's what I read from Spurgeon:

We may leave the "how" with the Lord and be content to rejoice in the fact that He will, in some way or other, bring His own people through all the dangers, trials, and temptations for this mortal life to His own right hand in glory.

How simple! The Lord has promised He will be with us, He will deliver us, that if we call upon Him, He will answer. Do we need to know the how? I think it shows a lack of trust and faith for if we truly believed, we should be like Abraham - content with the knowledge that God would do as he's promised and not bother with the "how".

When do you pray?

Someone hinted along the lines of

the police is like life insurance - no one thinks they need them until they do.

Might not apply to everyone as some people see the importance of life insurance likewise the police.

But what about God? My initial intent was to pose a question but then this just slipped through my head. Do we put God in this category? Or do we at times put God in this category? Where we don't need Him until we do our think we do? I've seen it many times where something happens and the response is let us pray. Yet we've gone around pretending there is no God. Is it times of sickness? Need for a job? A child? What drives you to the foot of the cross?

I just have a nagging feeling tonight to pray. I went to work this motor and I remember telling a patient "I actually prayed this morning and it seems like everything that can go wrong is going wrong". It was busy. And I believe I repeated that phrase to at least two more people. But is that really true?
 Let's see: what was going wrong with me besides being busy? Nothing. I actually had someone who came in for a joint replacement needing a higher level of care, and this was after a transfusion. But she was still cheerful. I had others with little minute issues and yet, they were all ok. Perhaps I expected things a bit slower and I hit the ground running. Everyone was busy. And I think I wasn't having it that bad. I got some passive aggressive attitude for just leaving at the time scheduled instead of staying extra and that made me just want to leave quickly when my time was up. I actually took care of some wonderful people today and if anything, they are the ones who should be saying things are going wrong.

Here's the defining moment: I went to sit on another unit, had my lunch, finished paperwork I didn't get chance to do running around and right when I'd started a note, I heard a thud. I thought someone had just dropped something but two others were going in that direction so I got up and a co-worker was down. She slipped with the people cleaning the floors. And this person is actually nice, genuinely too. So after all the hoopla, I wheeled them down to the ED. The whole situation was terrible. I really felt sorry for them and kept telling them that. I had an injury years ago and what someone said to me was it's part of the job, a job hazard. Terrible time but that is something I'll never tell someone. I don't think what this person went through is that and for anyone who reads this, please don't say that to another person or the phrase "it happens".

That said, who really has had a bad day. This person who was just doing her job? Or me who had been done and was just finishing up to leave? Then it occurred to me: everything that could happen had not happened! I could've been the one. I could've had something crazy and so on. I actually had lovely patients who had little things popping up here and there. But this epiphany didn't occur to me tilli was walking out. Then I thought it is really God who protects us. That silly phrase made it sound like I'd prayed and things were going wrong despite it, like my prayers were ineffective and it's as if I hadn't prayed? But that is the wrong way to look at it. Actually my prayers had been effective, had that not been the case, I could have ended up in many different scenarios. So what if by praying, I actually had the bigger stuff taken care off ? The real response is I'm so glad I prayed today Because it would have been worse had I not prayed. Now that I've taken my eyes off the "things that went wrong", I've actually decided to look at what went right.

1. I almost rushed into a trade that would have gone south but being busy kept me away . I actually had an order that I cancelled. So my prayers were effective and were answered. 
2. I could have had a terrible group. So again my prayers were answered.
3. Also any crazy thing could have happened, like it did to my coworker for I had walk that same side prior.

So when do we feel our prayers have been answered? I think that should be the real question here. Is it when we pray and everything, I mean everything, goes well with us? Is it when we pray and get exactly what we asked for? Or is there another measuring stick we use to evaluate the results of our prayers?

Do we pause to think that maybe, just maybe we were given something better then we asked for? Or maybe what we asked want right for us except our myopic vision prevented us from seeing it. I've had instances in my life where I've said " Lord thank you for not giving me what I asked for" or " Lord thank You I actually got this instead of that". Unfortunately, it's always in hindsight for when I'm not getting what I've prayed for, the time is different, the attitude is different. Instead of it being thankful, it's one of questioning and wondering why? Why am I not getting whati prayed for? What have I done? Why won't God honor his word? And so much more and then sometimes it gets wise into the territory of accusing God. Lately I've said Lord let me know what you're doing so I don't fuss in the process. I'm thinking of Joseph knew what was ahead, he probably would have worried less knowing he was going to end up great and if Job knew what was going on behind the scenes, he would have mourned less. But if Satan, being that he's not all knowing like Good, had also been given inside knowledge to know that God would restore Job after everything, would he made gone ahead and wasted his energy tormenting him? I think that answer is yes. He likes to torment!

So when we pray, why can't we trust God to answer? Why would He who bids us to pray not answer? And why can't we accept that maybe the answer would be different than we expect? That maybe it would be better? And why can't we remember that sometimes he takes his time to answer? Perhaps waiting for the right time?

But telling God to let us in on what He's doing begs the question why can't we just trust Him and remember that he has our best interests at heart?

Bless the Lord

For some reason, I was yearning to listen to this song  last night and then today. I purchased it right when it was released but it's been a while since I listened to it. Definitely over a year. It's "Bless the Lord" by Laura Story. I think it's because that's how I feel. It's what I want to say "Bless the Lord O my soul." I sang it out, from my heart.

I really feel like God knows what's best for me. He sees my hidden enemies and protects me from them. He also sees the parts of me that need to be stripped away and he's the only one who knows the heart of man. However, I see the fingerprint of God in my life. I see him "refining" me. And I'm learning to actually let go and rely on him. Oh what a relief it is! Letting go and relying on God. It's so hard to do but once it's done, the question I usually ask myself is why was I holding on? And one thing I pray for is the eyes to see the riches of God's mercy in my life because sometimes in hard times, some of us are quick to forget everything God has done and see what he has not yet done for us. We forget what we have and only see what we don't have. That and I'm thankful to God for seeing me through the past year.

Yesterday I wrote about being content. "Hell never gives up a soul without a fight" - I forget who wrote that, Lewis I think, not sure right now. Through the craziness of the past year and everything that keeps popping up after each other. I feel like God has seen me through, and He is see me through now and He will see me through the future. And all the while I say "Bless the Lord O my soul." No matter what flies up to set me back, my heart blesses the Lord and I say bless the Lord.

For anyone interested, here's the lyrics of Bless the Lord by Laura Story.

You give and take away for my good

For who am I to say what I need?

For You alone see the hidden parts of me

That need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine

I'm learning to let go and rely

On One who walks with me

As hard as it may be,

You're teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul

All that's in me bless Your name

Forget not Your power untold

Not Your glory or Your fame

For You came to heal the broken

To redeem and make me whole

Bless the Lord, O my soul

Lord, You give and take away for my good

For who am I to say what I need?

For You alone see the hidden parts of me

That need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine

I'm learning to let go and rely

On One who walks with me

As hard as it may be,

You're teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul

All that's in me bless Your name

Forget not Your power untold

Not Your glory or Your fame

For You came to heal the broken

To redeem and make me whole

Bless the Lord, O my soul

Though my faith may falter, my strength may fail

I pray for eyes to see the richness of Your mercy shown to me!

Bless the Lord, bless the Lord...

Bless the Lord, O my soul

All that's in me bless Your name

Forget not Your power untold

Not Your glory or Your fame

For You came to heal the broken

To redeem and make me whole

Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

Oh my soul, O my soul

Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

Between the dreaming and the coming true

Another year is almost dawning upon me. It's almost here.
I've not pondered much today but one thing I have given some thought to are this?

Am I better today than I was a year ago?
What have I accomplished in the past year?
Am I older and wiser?

The last question is one that has gone through my mind at various times today. I can certainly say Yes. Am I as wise as I'd like to be? No. However I've started the journey and am grateful for that. Part of the journey was realizing how great my folly was. I've walked around blindly thinking I possess some sense. I did to a degree. But it's silly to equate knowledge with wisdom. There's a line, seemingly thin, between one who possesses knowledge and is wise and one who possesses knowledge and is foolish. I said "seemingly thin" because I've come to realize it's not a thin line.

For all the years I've prayed for wisdom, it took a nasty experience to open my eyes. I am very grateful for that experience. So grateful I thank God and will continue to thank him for it. I should mention that it's a work in progress. On a scale of 0 to 100 I think I'm in the single digits or best case 10. But I do notice a huge difference. A difference between who I was and who I am now. I marvel at it, especially when i look back at a situation where I know the old me would've reacted differently.
So yes, I'm older and wiser.

Am I better today than I was a year ago? That's a very vague, if not broad, question. Is my life better today than it was a year ago? That depends, Do I have everything I've prayed for? No. Do I have some of the things I've prayed for over the years, besides being granted some wisdom, I don't think so. Am I a better christian than I was exactly this time a year ago? That's also hard since it's all subjective and a bit hard to quantify. I think I'm back to square one....actually I'm in between square one and square two. It's also hard because I acted foolishly sometime last year but what makes me think I'm a tad better is that I'm back to where I was...reading my bible, praying...perhaps not praying as much as I'd like or as much as I was last year at this time but nevertheless I am praying. I've had a  period this year where I just unplugged asking "what's the point?" and I think getting past that and continuing definitely puts me past square one. So I'm a bit ahead of where I was. Am I where I hoped to be this year? No. But in terms of life in general...I'll say I'm better off because I'm happy and content. As I mentioned, I don't have what I've prayed for, most of them, and yet, I'm still content.

What have I accomplished in the past year?
Here are the list of things I've accomplished:
1. Who cares?! No one is keeping score.

That is actually something I've accomplished - the realization that no one is keeping score and most people don't care. But in terms of asking myself that question today, I meant it more as in did I waste my year and the answer is no. Part of it yes, but even that, i feel it's something I had to go through so the overall answer is still a No. I'm not going to list accomplishments because no one is keeping score. I've also learned a lot and believe I have a ton more to learn. I've not bothered to post on facebook or put up pictures because....

I  normally make a list of things I'd like to accomplish the next year of my life. The last few years I've had a list of things I pray about, my needs/wants. I pray and fast. I've not gotten an answer to those, yet. Instead of making a list of things I need and want, I'll skip that and just ponder my relationship with God, pray - not with a bunch of requests, and then just commit the next year into the Lord's hands.

"The plans of the mind belongs to man but the answer of the tongue is from God." One of my favorite proverbs. However, the same books counsels to make war by wise guidance and not to be hasty in our actions.

The purpose of this blog...I've pondered many things throughout the year... Read a bible passage and thought of something, read the same thing again and thought of another. I've questioned, I've wondered, I've despaired, I've hoped, I've rejoiced, I've wept. I could go on and on. I want to write down the things fly through my head sometimes, those that make me wonder, or make make me say "Aha!" or whatever. Maybe you've got questions or answers to share. We're all on this journey together and while we're in the enemies territory, as C. S Lewis calls it, I believe holding christian company is essential.

May God increase my faith, wisdom, and make me a better person AND bless me, in Jesus Name. Amen.