Thursday, July 7, 2016

Between the dreaming and the coming true

Another year is almost dawning upon me. It's almost here.
I've not pondered much today but one thing I have given some thought to are this?

Am I better today than I was a year ago?
What have I accomplished in the past year?
Am I older and wiser?

The last question is one that has gone through my mind at various times today. I can certainly say Yes. Am I as wise as I'd like to be? No. However I've started the journey and am grateful for that. Part of the journey was realizing how great my folly was. I've walked around blindly thinking I possess some sense. I did to a degree. But it's silly to equate knowledge with wisdom. There's a line, seemingly thin, between one who possesses knowledge and is wise and one who possesses knowledge and is foolish. I said "seemingly thin" because I've come to realize it's not a thin line.

For all the years I've prayed for wisdom, it took a nasty experience to open my eyes. I am very grateful for that experience. So grateful I thank God and will continue to thank him for it. I should mention that it's a work in progress. On a scale of 0 to 100 I think I'm in the single digits or best case 10. But I do notice a huge difference. A difference between who I was and who I am now. I marvel at it, especially when i look back at a situation where I know the old me would've reacted differently.
So yes, I'm older and wiser.

Am I better today than I was a year ago? That's a very vague, if not broad, question. Is my life better today than it was a year ago? That depends, Do I have everything I've prayed for? No. Do I have some of the things I've prayed for over the years, besides being granted some wisdom, I don't think so. Am I a better christian than I was exactly this time a year ago? That's also hard since it's all subjective and a bit hard to quantify. I think I'm back to square one....actually I'm in between square one and square two. It's also hard because I acted foolishly sometime last year but what makes me think I'm a tad better is that I'm back to where I was...reading my bible, praying...perhaps not praying as much as I'd like or as much as I was last year at this time but nevertheless I am praying. I've had a  period this year where I just unplugged asking "what's the point?" and I think getting past that and continuing definitely puts me past square one. So I'm a bit ahead of where I was. Am I where I hoped to be this year? No. But in terms of life in general...I'll say I'm better off because I'm happy and content. As I mentioned, I don't have what I've prayed for, most of them, and yet, I'm still content.

What have I accomplished in the past year?
Here are the list of things I've accomplished:
1. Who cares?! No one is keeping score.

That is actually something I've accomplished - the realization that no one is keeping score and most people don't care. But in terms of asking myself that question today, I meant it more as in did I waste my year and the answer is no. Part of it yes, but even that, i feel it's something I had to go through so the overall answer is still a No. I'm not going to list accomplishments because no one is keeping score. I've also learned a lot and believe I have a ton more to learn. I've not bothered to post on facebook or put up pictures because....

I  normally make a list of things I'd like to accomplish the next year of my life. The last few years I've had a list of things I pray about, my needs/wants. I pray and fast. I've not gotten an answer to those, yet. Instead of making a list of things I need and want, I'll skip that and just ponder my relationship with God, pray - not with a bunch of requests, and then just commit the next year into the Lord's hands.

"The plans of the mind belongs to man but the answer of the tongue is from God." One of my favorite proverbs. However, the same books counsels to make war by wise guidance and not to be hasty in our actions.

The purpose of this blog...I've pondered many things throughout the year... Read a bible passage and thought of something, read the same thing again and thought of another. I've questioned, I've wondered, I've despaired, I've hoped, I've rejoiced, I've wept. I could go on and on. I want to write down the things fly through my head sometimes, those that make me wonder, or make make me say "Aha!" or whatever. Maybe you've got questions or answers to share. We're all on this journey together and while we're in the enemies territory, as C. S Lewis calls it, I believe holding christian company is essential.

May God increase my faith, wisdom, and make me a better person AND bless me, in Jesus Name. Amen.

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