Sunday, December 25, 2016

A dream and a death on Christmas

I had a dream  and I had forgotten about till I got to work. The last time I worked Christmas was either 2008 or 2009 but I doubt it was any of them considering we were barely working Christmas of 2009. The last time I worked 7a-7p on a Sunday, sometime in early 2009. I usually don't work Sundays because I don't like to. Today is Christmas and a Sunday. I agreed to work for someone. Why O Why?

So, the dream was that I got to work and was told by the office I wasn't needed where I had been scheduled and was going elsewhere I dreaded. So, my thinking was to prevent the dream from coming true, let me go to the unit directly versus the office in  the dream where I as told I was going to work somewhere else. So,  I went directly to the scheduled place thinking it was just a dream but my name wasn't there so I went to the office and just like the dream I was told I was going to 'XYZ'. I was actually told at the first unit and I told the secretary there I had a dream about today. I said something along the lines of "what a nightmare" or something with nightmare in it.

Interestingly, the day was going well. When I walked in, I heard a guy screaming and immediately said "that's my patient." And it turns out, He was. He was yelling, and he continued but stopped whenever I was in there or my colleague was in there.  No narcs or benzos given but he calmed down. So  I thought it was going to be bad like I had dreamt. I was in there doing some stuff between 1610 and 1625, went on break, came back at 1740 and looks like guy had tried moving out of bed. leg was hanging off, the other was inside. I start an antibiotic, repositioned, suctioned and then I noticed he's clammy. He would not take his meal. So I check is BP, darn!  Call a rapid but he's DNR.

What's heartbreaking was his daughters. The visitor who came in around 2ish earlier had commented they had not come to see him since admission. I talked to the visitor for a while in the room and he even pulled me out to tell me something they didn't want the patient finding out since he was sick. The daughters showed up around the beginning of the rapid response. They started crying, then wailing. My heart truly went out to them. They saw the man slipping away and eventually saw him die. Apparently, this patient had seen death many times this admission in the same way, he'd stop breathing but they'd be able get him out. He truly had nine lives. They didn't expect him to make it the next time it happened, which was today. We were hoping he'd see the new year.  But the daughters, they had ignored him and the one time they show up, he had agonal breath.Their pain, I cannot imagine.

His mom, she came in thanking everyone, she'd been taking care of him, seen him crash so many times and come out and yet, she didn't ask why couldn't you save him this time. She kept thanking us and saying you took such good care of him. She was so composed.

Me: I thought I had escaped the pull this morning when I went to the original unit and somehow, I got sent to the office and saw my dream en vivo (live). But I also thought my nightmare wouldn't be considering the lovely day I was having and somehow the last hour ended up being the nightmare. I thought I had escaped. Another person said to me, 'i felt this was going to happen, I was just waiting for it.' What scares me is the dream. It's been forever since I had dreams that just happened during the day when I woke up.
I'll admit I'm a bit scared having a dream manifest. I used to be scared in times past when I've had dreams come true like that. A friend said maybe this was meant to happen on your watch.

I've not had someone die on my watch here. I usually say no one dies on my watch. And somehow, on Christmas, on a Sunday, days when my chances of working are almost zero, this happens. I drove home listening to Marco Antonio Solis' "navidad sin ti"

Otro año ya se ha ido
cuantas cosas han pasado
algo hemos aprendido
y algo hemos olvidado.....

I've been listening to and signing this song but now, I feel those daughters would need it more than I do. As Caesar said, "death a necessary end will come when it would come".
Merry Christmas.

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