Regarding my last post. I mentioned thanking God for not giving me something I had prayed for. This is something I had prayed for for the last 6years, I think. Something I saw as my number one desire. Give me it and all will be well. I have fasted and prayed and still...Nothing. I had nailed it to the cross those easters when they had that thing done. Still.
For the first time in my life I didn't go to church for about 3 weeks or so this year because I asked "what's the point." What got me to ask that question was a sermon that should've strengthened my faith. The preacher used a psalm and said his congregant approached him asking if God has said this in His word and she has kept herself pure, serves in the church, etc, why does she now have cancer? I struggled with that myself looking at what I'd prayed to God for and didn't have. I figured if it was all doom at the end, what's the point?
I'm not sure what got me back to church. I think i visited my old home one morning, I signed up for group, commited to the 6 week and then the rest is history. It really did help build back my faith.
Still, I was sure God was wrong in not giving what I'd asked for considering His word and promises and I kept saying "when i meet God I will have a question" (That's a line from Mark Schultz's song). Because as I read my Bible and read the if's/then, I was even more sure God was wrong because he wasn't doing as He'd said in his word. I tried to hold onto Psalm 46:10. It was hard, should I do something or sit still but this was a Psalm that became very dear to me this year. I had tried to take matters into my own hands 4 years ago and failed misreably. I didn't get why If God wasn't going to make a way, why He would block me making a path for me.
It's not like heard any strange voice or anything but it dawned on me last week that the very reason why I was angry with God, thinking He had not done, had he done, it would have been really bad for me. In fact, there are 2 things I don't have and it's not that I don't want them or need them anymore but anytime before now would've been bad. I'm thankful God didn't throw His arms out like a fed up parent and say "here, you want, you got it." I wasn't ready for both items. I was so not ready and now I see so clearly and Thank God.
More importantly, I was wrong. He wasn't. I had to go back and read Psalm 19: ...The law of the Lord is perfect....
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