A dream and a death on Christmas

I had a dream  and I had forgotten about till I got to work. The last time I worked Christmas was either 2008 or 2009 but I doubt it was any of them considering we were barely working Christmas of 2009. The last time I worked 7a-7p on a Sunday, sometime in early 2009. I usually don't work Sundays because I don't like to. Today is Christmas and a Sunday. I agreed to work for someone. Why O Why?

So, the dream was that I got to work and was told by the office I wasn't needed where I had been scheduled and was going elsewhere I dreaded. So, my thinking was to prevent the dream from coming true, let me go to the unit directly versus the office in  the dream where I as told I was going to work somewhere else. So,  I went directly to the scheduled place thinking it was just a dream but my name wasn't there so I went to the office and just like the dream I was told I was going to 'XYZ'. I was actually told at the first unit and I told the secretary there I had a dream about today. I said something along the lines of "what a nightmare" or something with nightmare in it.

Interestingly, the day was going well. When I walked in, I heard a guy screaming and immediately said "that's my patient." And it turns out, He was. He was yelling, and he continued but stopped whenever I was in there or my colleague was in there.  No narcs or benzos given but he calmed down. So  I thought it was going to be bad like I had dreamt. I was in there doing some stuff between 1610 and 1625, went on break, came back at 1740 and looks like guy had tried moving out of bed. leg was hanging off, the other was inside. I start an antibiotic, repositioned, suctioned and then I noticed he's clammy. He would not take his meal. So I check is BP, darn!  Call a rapid but he's DNR.


What's heartbreaking was his daughters. The visitor who came in around 2ish earlier had commented they had not come to see him since admission. I talked to the visitor for a while in the room and he even pulled me out to tell me something they didn't want the patient finding out since he was sick. The daughters showed up around the beginning of the rapid response. They started crying, then wailing. My heart truly went out to them. They saw the man slipping away and eventually saw him die. Apparently, this patient had seen death many times this admission in the same way, he'd stop breathing but they'd be able get him out. He truly had nine lives. They didn't expect him to make it the next time it happened, which was today. We were hoping he'd see the new year.  But the daughters, they had ignored him and the one time they show up, he had agonal breath.Their pain, I cannot imagine.

His mom, she came in thanking everyone, she'd been taking care of him, seen him crash so many times and come out and yet, she didn't ask why couldn't you save him this time. She kept thanking us and saying you took such good care of him. She was so composed.

Me: I thought I had escaped the pull this morning when I went to the original unit and somehow, I got sent to the office and saw my dream en vivo (live). But I also thought my nightmare wouldn't be considering the lovely day I was having and somehow the last hour ended up being the nightmare. I thought I had escaped. Another person said to me, 'i felt this was going to happen, I was just waiting for it.' What scares me is the dream. It's been forever since I had dreams that just happened during the day when I woke up.
I'll admit I'm a bit scared having a dream manifest. I used to be scared in times past when I've had dreams come true like that. A friend said maybe this was meant to happen on your watch.

I've not had someone die on my watch here. I usually say no one dies on my watch. And somehow, on Christmas, on a Sunday, days when my chances of working are almost zero, this happens. I drove home listening to Marco Antonio Solis' "navidad sin ti"

Otro año ya se ha ido

cuantas cosas han pasado

algo hemos aprendido

y algo hemos olvidado.....

I've been listening to and signing this song but now, I feel those daughters would need it more than I do. As Caesar said, "death a necessary end will come when it would come".

Merry Christmas.

It's hard being lost

It's hard being lost because a lost of times you do not know that the missing element is YOU. Toi, tu, Du, whatever language you want to say that in. it's also a terrible feeling because you feel and know something is missing. You search and search but don't know exactly what it is so you can't find it.

The other mistake is thinking it's something else missing from your life when it's really YOU. I think I mentioned a few posts ago how terrible it is to be searching for what you think is there but doesn't even exist. It's like chasing the wind. You never catch it.

On Being Ready - A tale of the wine jar

The last chapter in Isaiah spoke personally to me because it gave me hope. It was the most reassuring passage I'd read. It's the part that talks about shall I bring to delivery and not give birth? part. It was the assurance that God will follow through.

I was talking to someone and he mentioned something similar. My crazy miente assumed that was a confirmation that God was still going to come through for me. But He also mentioned sometimes, God doesn't do something because you're not ready. My mind ignored that completely.

Ready, I've been ready, I've prayed and prayed. But praying does not equal ready. Over the last few weeks I've come to realize that I wasn't ready for certain things. I was not wise. I needed to learn certain things first.

I liken it to having new wine and a dirty old wine vessel. You can't pour new wine into the dirty old vessel. It'll mess up the new wine as it'll become contaminated. Instead, one must first clean the old vessel and then it'll be ready for the new wine. So it is with us. Sometimes, God needs to make us ready for certain things. Whether through experiences that will teach us lessons or by us making our own mistakes and stumbling in the dark till we realize we need a light to help us find our way. Either way, sometimes, we're not ready. we are dirty wine jars that need to be cleaned out and made ready for the new wine. Otherwise, the new wine poured into the dirty vessel will become dirty and no good.

The caveat is that the cleaning (or should I say learning) experience can be quite painful. The jar endures the hard scrub, we endure pain sometimes.

When you're sure God is wrong

Regarding my last post. I mentioned thanking God for not giving me something I had prayed for. This is something I had prayed for for the last 6years, I think. Something I saw as my number one desire. Give me it and all will be well. I have fasted and prayed and still...Nothing. I had nailed it to the cross those easters when they had that thing done. Still.

For the first time in my life I didn't go to church for about 3 weeks or so this year because I asked "what's the point." What got me to ask that question was a sermon that should've strengthened my faith. The preacher used a psalm and said his congregant approached him asking if God has said this in His word and she has kept herself pure, serves in the church, etc, why does she now have cancer? I struggled with that myself looking at what I'd prayed to God for and didn't have. I figured if it was all doom at the end, what's the point?

I'm not sure what got me back to church. I think i visited my old home one morning, I signed up for group, commited to the 6 week and then the rest is history. It really did help build back my faith.

Still, I was sure God was wrong in not giving what I'd asked for considering His word and promises and I kept saying "when i meet God I will have a question" (That's a line from Mark Schultz's song). Because as I read my Bible and read the if's/then, I was even more sure God was wrong because he wasn't doing as He'd said in his word. I tried to hold onto Psalm 46:10. It was hard, should I do something or sit still but this was a Psalm that became very dear to me this year. I had tried to take matters into my own hands 4 years ago and  failed misreably. I didn't get why If God wasn't going to make a way, why He would block me making a path for me.

It's not like  heard any strange voice or anything but it dawned on me last week that the very reason why I was angry with God, thinking He had not done, had he done, it would have been really bad for me. In fact, there are 2 things I don't have and  it's not that I don't want them or need them anymore but anytime before now would've been bad. I'm thankful God didn't throw His arms out like a fed up parent and say "here, you want, you got it." I wasn't ready for both items.  I was so not ready and now I see so clearly and Thank God.

More importantly, I was wrong. He wasn't. I had to go back and read Psalm 19: ...The law of the Lord is perfect....

When all you see is what you don't have - Prayers answered

In the midst of looking at what I didn't have, I failed to see all that I had and all that God had given me and is giving me.

I got some pretty good news last Wednesday, 12/14/2016. But the truth is that starting on Sunday, I'd told myself I needed to thank God for healing - I got a clean bill of health the previous week and I felt like a burden had been lifted off my head considering what I'd been through. Then somewhere around Monday and Tuesday, I realized the one thing I had prayed for the most and didn't have, the one thing I felt God was holding from me unfairly was not only something I didn't need considering the various ways He's provided, but it was something that would've been a disaster had He answered my prayers. On tuesday actually, the list became 2. I realized it wasn't just my top request but my top 2 requests were things I needed to thank God for not giving me. Again, disaster!

I had read my bible Wednesday AM and was about to pray when my phone rang. I usually won't answer the phone If I haven't prayed but considering who was calling, I wasn't sure if it was bad news at the end of the line. I answered and when the conversation was more of a "how are you doing?" "how is work?" kind of topic, I told the person I would call back in 5 minutes. I called back in 20. I hanged up and went on praying to thank God for what he's done and for what He didn't do because by not doing, He had actually done.

Upon returning the phone call, I was given another good news. To the person it was one good new, for me, it was at least 2 or 3. For me, it was prayer answered. In fact one of those 2 things was something I have prayed and prayed about. I had gone from place to place in the last 3 years and even more recently, I had someone use the term "spiritual covering". I had gotten tired and decided I was going to stick to my "boring" church. I was going to pray to God. I am not going anywhere, I really don't like someone putting their hands on me. I don't believe God will only answer prayers if you go to a particular church to pray or forest or whatever. I believe God is ever present, and he hears both the saint and the sinner. In fact, On my way to group one day I had a monologue with God (don't ask) and asked why He can't do it based on me praying, why do I have to go somewhere because it defeats the purpose and I was waiting on Him.

Well, He came through and He came though abundantly and when I went back to write in my journal and pray again, I realized another prayer had been answered all year. In fact it's the biggest change that has happened to me this year and somehow, I'd failed to see that it was a prayer answered.

So by fixing my gaze on what I didn't have, I failed to see ALL God had done and I also failed to see that what I didn't have, He had not given because It would have been a disaster. I actually prayed Wednesday thanking Him for not answering those particular prayers. Ironic huh?

The problem with being a muppet (or should i say losing you)

As a follow up to the last post, the big problem with being a muppet is this:

You lose you. Yes, Of all the people you would meet in this life, you can lose you. What happens is that you end up in a game of sorts, where someone starts, stops and picks up later and decide to finish or try to finish (the occasional advisor) or they never pick it up again (for those who give you one-time advice). But you are no longer you. You are an item in someone elses game. You've given up control to someone else.

Ever played pacman? it keeps going till you use the controls to change it's course and if it hits a wall and you're absent minded, it just stays there till you move it. And if you don't, it gets eaten because eventually it gets caught. But that's because it's doesn't move on it's own volition. Same here; someone moves you and when they don't move you, you keep going in the direction where they steared you . You hit a wall and they are tehre to help, they'll navigate you away for a bit. Or you just get stuck and you may meet your end as your'e trying to dig your way out.

These are some reasons why it's wrong to listen to others:

• Most don't really care about your life
• You can't trust man blindly. (I've rule #2 to remember one thing I fail to remember often)
• They don't know how to live life. They didn't create it, they don't have the user manual on it. As a matter of fact, they can barely live their own life. What makes them experts in the art of living?!
• It's no longer you but their game or side project. The problem with a game is that it's just that - A game. The problem with that is that it's your life and when it becomes a game, well, you are a living being. Add it up. But the real thing is that you have to give account one day of your life to God. It was given to you, not to someone else, so YOU are responsible for it. By losing yourself, you don't get to live. Someone just moves you around and you go through life as a living muppet.

On being a muppet (when you lose yourself)

A good pastor at a local church said in a sermon I have said something along these lines "How on earth is the world supposed to tell me how to live as a Christian?!"

It can't. You can't look at the manual for changing a part in a KIA vehicle as guidance for changing a part in a Hummer. Wrong manual.  Yet, so many of us go through life being muppets. Having others tell us what to do. Following the dictates of society. So how does someone else tell me how to live my life? They really can't. And to follow it is stupid. You become a muppet.

What ends up is a lot of mistake and anger. First of all, people don't have time to run you life. They barely have time to ran their lives and even then, most are failing at it with some failing miserably just as you are. Others are barely making it. How then can they ran yours successfully? They can't! Ha!

The other thing is that it's like this:
Somewhere on a journey you're lost. You're told my a well-meaning stranger who tells you to turn left on the road and drive till you get to the light. They don't tell you where you're headed. What do you do when you take that unknown road and get to the light? You take a guess there and make a right only to get into a swam 1 mile down the road. You had a map for Road A, but they got you on Road C and now that you're there on Road C, you don't know how to get out of that swamp because you didn't plan that route to begin with. It becomes even harder trying to get out of there. For all you know, there could be gators in that swamp.

Sometimes, just sometimes, they tell you where they want you to end up at but they dont' give you full directions and they are not there to guide you. Therefore following their plan is just a waste of time and energy. For times when you plan to get from A to B but are told by someone to get to D. Ask WHY? Why should you get to D? What reason is given to you? Is it your reason? Why must you change your destination? Will it benefit you? Moreover, why does a person struggling on their won course tell you your destination?

I'll end with a quote by Dr David Seabury:

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel deeply in your spirit as you htik in yhour mind that the counsel is wise.

On the Road to Gethsemane...

 Jo Coudert writes Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave nor lose...

It's a good thing to pursue something. But it's a terrible thing to pursue what you think is the right thing when it turns out it's not. Worse still, it's awful looking for something you think exists but doesn't. Talk about chasing the wind.

I've always said on the road to Gethsemane I lost my way....And for the last few years, I've been trying to find that way back. Or so I thought. I felt what i'd lost was my relationship with God, I missed how it used to be. I wanted to get back to there. What is there? To praying, to reading my bible, to meditating. But over the last few years I've done that. Even after I felt disconnected, I went through the motions based on something I heard on Christian radio. And I've been doing that. I started last year with the pursuit of God and I felt that got me even closer. I've been praying, not like I used to, but almost like I used to. But still, I didn't feel I was there yet. Sometime this year after doing the second group studies, I felt I was almost there, if not a different and better height than I used to be.

So what has this got to with the quote at the beggining? Here's what I discovered lately:  On the road to Gethsemane it wasn't so much the way I lost. I lost something most people would argue you can't lose and I will argue it's possible to lose. I lost ME. Who I am and was. It hit me sometime after my last post. Now, I agree and disagree with Jo Coudert. I beleive a person can lose who they are, their identity, such that they become muppets, moving at the will of others. But I do agree that in this life, while people may desert me, I'll be there for me. Whether I'm there in my right mind or not, I'll still have myself.  I actually just started reading chapter one of her book and I haven't gotten past the first page.

It wasn't the way I had lost. It wasn't the praying and reading my bible and all the other stuff that made me what I was. David Seabury wrote, and I'll paraphrase since i can't find the book to quote verbatim , 'look to a time when you were happy, what were you doing then? Go back and do those very things.' Well, I was reading my bible, I was praying, and still....What I was missing was the fact that I wasn't me. What made me me was that I never compromised back then. I felt free to be me and I was me. I didn't fear the eyes of man.

What changed? I compromised! I've looked back at all my failures since college and I've realized they were due to the fact that I compromised myself. Every single one! But where did I change? Oh, I'm not going to go into all that. But what I came to see was that I wasn't thinking. I was doing what others told me to do. Now that is a grievious error. It's the self-neglect in it's worst form!

So on the road to Gethsemane, I lost me.  How is that possible? Hmm...