Your Gaze

Here's the thing:

When you're faced with hard times, do  you
1. Look and see all the things you don't have in your life especially the ones you've prayed for? or
2. Look at all God has done for you in the past and trust his promises?

The thing here is the enemy works to control your gaze. All he needs to do is get us to see certain things and the rest will follow: fear, panic, sin, blasphemy, doubting God, etc

If he gets you with option 1, then his work is easy.
If you get to option 2, then you know He who parted the Red Sea can provide for you and you can say Psalm 46 and rest easy.


So, it is important to take control of your gaze before the enemy takes it over and if he does, refocus it. You're in control of you.

Fear

I was driving with someone the other day when the person ahead just stopped at turn and wasn't moving (I'm not surprised). But anyway, he says to me "why was he not going? My response: "Fear".

Such a powerful emotion. It can cripple and paralyze. It results in irrational actions and behaviors. It The panic that accompanies is catastrophic to say the least.

I got a phone call today that broke me...I actually cried. Not sure exactly why I cried as I was pretty stoic over the phone when the person was saying "don't worry about it...." I was so composed, thank them and thought "OK". And yet minutes after I hang up, I caved in. And then my mind went to ten million places....

Somehow, I got over, got some food and decided to watch this american life. Interesting story I watched. Made me feel like one of those days when I walk in trauma and come out thinking....ok...It's not that bad with me.

But like Mike, the guy who the piece was centered on, I've also realized how tenuous my life is and I've realized I don't have time to waste on fear. If you've read previous posts, I've described time as the dark villain in the story of life, looming with it's dark presence. Anyway... After the sermon I heard and listening to Scott Krippayne, I trust that God will act. Next!

The Hard and Easy

The hard thing and yet so easy to do as a Christian is this:

Knowing there are snakes on the ground, knowing they are looking to bite, knowing you need to make sure you're not bitten lest you die, knowing the best way to keep from getting bitten is looking up to the Serpent on the rod and YET looking to the ground instead and trying to ward off the little snakes there.

It's hard because we see the serpents on the ground and logic tells us the best way is to move our legs away from them or strike them with something if we can. Logic tells us to do something, fight them where they are. And yet we do that, expend precious energy doing that, and fail - we get bitten!

On the Contrary, we could conserve that energy and look up as we're commanded and live. Easy, huh?

And yet, we find it so hard to sit still and let God act. We fight and fail. O, the irony!

Knowing Yourself

Someone said at the morning talks "if you don't know yourself, the stock market is an expensive way to find out." True. But even if Wall St. wasn't relevant to me, I still think knowing yourself is important.

I was reading through proverbs earlier this year. I realized certain "characteristics" I possessed. Y por eso, I highlighted a lot in my bible and pretty soon I saw a pattern. That was part of why I started my Rules. Also Bennett was a contributor...reading his books, non-fiction ones, got me to look at philosophy, Marcus Aurelius...etc. Not that I adhered to stoicism but I've learned excess emotions is well...I thought I knew myself a bit then.

Lately however, after a bit of a hiatus, I've come to piece it all together. Not pretty but lying to myself is just stupid. I ordered a workbook to help me deal with the whole saga. I didn't think it would be helpful. I felt I'd gotten things under control reading all the stuff I did. But I've only gone through 5% of the first chapter and I've found it helpful.

I signed up for  HELOC with a bank. Not even sure why I signed up for it because my cash equity in my bank acct was about the amount of the HELOC. I've no mortgage, why get one? I had a reason back then but maybe I should've waited. Thing is opening a checking account with this bank has been the greatest scam ever. I didn't look at my statements till June when I realized I was being charged a fee and I was enrolled in an account I didn't sign up for. Wasn't even in the brochure I had. I asked to be switched and the person I spoke to over the phone agreed to do that and to refund the fees. That was back in june. I looked today and only the fee for june was refunded, the account was not changed to what I had initially asked for as she said over the phone and I've been charged fees since!

I noticed I was starting to get frustrated. Immediately, I started to implement some of the little things I'd learned from that cheap workbook (thank you amazon). As I spoke to the lady, I asked her 4 questions to start, I wasn't irate, I was upset but I listened to her explain the reason why I'm getting the fees is because the checking account was never linked to the credit line. After going back and forth, I thanked her, let her know I understand it is not her doing and my negligence in not reviewing my that account was part to blame. That and violating rule #2. Lady I spoke to in June said she'll refund all fees and changed the account. Ha!

The old me would lay down and sulk and be frustrated. Thank to the little workbook...why waste time. What matters is here and what happens from here. One of Bennett's novels - the old wive's tale shows the most powerful and perhaps chilling villain in the story of life is .....Time.
Oh well, I've got a book to read and more important things to do. I've wasted enough of it already.

Influences this year

I've read a few books by Bennett this year and I'm still reading his books. What attracted me to him was how blunt he was... he tells the truth like it is. Without fear or remorse. I saw a characteristic I possesed but don't see in others. People tell me I'm blunt. The irony is that I've learned from Bennett the importance of not being blunt always. Just because I won't lie doesn't mean I have to verbalize the truth. I've many thoughts about his works and a blog post won't be sufficient to write it.

I was looking at a DBT book on amazon (long story on how I got to that book later) following a truth I've had to embrace this week. A reviewer summarized the main points of the book and I thought to myself 'I've learned these from Bennett" that and reading "Proverbs" earlier this year.
The reviewer listed Distress Tolerance, Emotional regulation , interpersonal Effectiveness and Mindfullness. These are what is involved in these.  Let's see all of these were summarized in How to live 24 hours a day. I learned more about Mindfulness from "The Human Machine" and his third book I read "Mental Efficiency and ..." He talks about "the petty artificialities". Also things like breaking down with the past etc were topics covered in the last book. I also read Marcus Andronicu when I get the chance. These have all helped me in this arena. 

The funny thing is that I identified my symptoms and started working on resolving them. What I can't answer is did I fail to see the label they fall under because it's been almost 10years since I did a clinical rotation in this field or was I in denial? 

Here's the problem with the possessing the knowledge to self diagnose:

It's a blessing and a curse.

The hard part, however, is being true to yourself  in order to accept the cold hard truth.

The boy who fell

Here's an interesting observation I made as I walked out of small group this evening:
Lady has a few children with her. Older boy about 6 years is up ahead on the sidewalk. Another boy,  either the same age or a year younger runs up, obviously against advice, to catch up with first boy. I watched him ran and I feel like a poor historian because I'm not sure if he somehow fell because his shoe got caught in the step of the sidewalk by him failing to realize he needed to lift his foot up or he just tripped. Either way, it was a big fall. I was taken aback for a second. There was silence but as I asked are you OK, second boy starts to wail.

Another thing I need to point out is that when second boy fell, part of his body hit first boy who was walking calmly on the sidewalk causing him to also fall. So they both fell. However, when I asked are you OK, it was second boy who starts to wail loudly. First boy doesn't cry.

But that's not the interesting observation. The actual observation is that when they fell, it was the mother/woman who had to come pick him up and console him. She came up quickly as she was slightly posterior to me. First boy who got up by himself was just standing there. Was second boy wailing loudly because of the severity of the fall or the embarrassment of a stranger (me) making a sound at the fall and asking if they were OK?

Well, what's the point of blogging about a fall? It's not really about the fall. Here's what happens to us: Parent tells a child not to run, he does, he falls and then who has to pick him up and nurse those wounds? The parent. The very person he disobeyed in the beginning. Same thing with the Christian and God. We disobey, we get caught in the consequences of our foolishness and who do we cry out to for help rescuing us? God. The very person whom we disobeyed.

Here's the other interesting thing: second boy's actions caused first boy, who was walking as he should, to also fall and possibly get some scrapes as well. Sometimes in our act of disobedience, our actions hurt others. We don't just hurt ourselves. Of course the poor kid is too young to see that as he wails like he's the only who fell. I actually felt first boy should be the one wailing because second boy partially fell on him.

The bottom line, there are two aspects to disobedience - We can get hurt and hurt others in the process AND The irony is that we expect to be "picked up" from our mess and usually it's the very person whom we've disobeyed who gets us out. Not because we merit it but because we're loved unconditionally.

The christian and drepression

I don't mean to discuss fully the subject of depression and the context in which I discuss this is totally outside my professional opinion. That said, I've no interest today. I woke up excited but as some days gone by, I rushed to living, hit a brick wall, tried to push myself and then I'm _____. I have no word to describe how I feel. I don't feel depressed or sorry for myself. I'm not my usual excited self. I just can't put my hand on what's exactly troubling me. I feel like something is troubling me that I can't pinpoint, like something that should worry me. Not sure.

That said, I thought about a sermon I read a week or so ago. I've heard someone say on the radio that Spurgeon suffered from depression. I've read some of his sermons and had not come into that aspect till I opened one  of the volumes I'd not read yet. It's his sermon "Fear Not". I felt it was as honest as  preacher can be. To admit his sermon is directed to himself while encouraging those who are "downhearted". To admit

"My soul is cast down within me. I feel as if I had rather die than live; all that God hat done by me seems to be forgotten, and my spirit flags and my courage breaks down with the thought of that which is to come. I need your prayers..." C. H Spurgeon.

Lowness of spirit and distress of mind. That's actually how I feel. I'm trying to dig down to find why I feel the way I do. I actually find I've no interest in doing anything right now. Although I did do some videos for my course and that got me excited. I'm wondering if it's because I made a mistake today I've made over and over again and somehow the outrageousness of my actions  has me numb as I somehow can't believe it.

I always think of the text that says "and David encouraged himself". The other thing I said to myself is in a time like this, the best thing I can do is pray. I've talked to a bunch of people this afternoon. About various matters. Nothing too personal...just conversation. But that's not it. It's not being lonely.  I've someone here with me. I still can't pinpoint it. Spending too much time to figure out this unsettling feeling breaks rule #6 and might lead me to break #1. So I'll just pray and trust that Isaiah 41:14 surely applies to this lowly worm.

What does it all have to do with Spurgeon? Not much. I just referenced his sermon to demonstrate that Even the Prince of Preachers had lowliness of spirit. And it happens. The goal is not to hide it but to remember that it's OK to be honest. To admit what's going on. Share with someone And to encourage yourself through God's word. You're not alone.