Karma? or "I will repay"?

I've said I don't believe in Karma. BUT, I do believe you reap what you sow. Same thing, different thing? My answer: what difference does it make?

Why do I believe you reap what you sow? One of the things I've dwelt upon in the past was that if Jacob (of Jacob I love Esau I hate fame) got his comeuppance, then who are we to escape? There are many other instances in the bible I could quote... Do not be fooled, God is not mocked, whatsoever a man soweth he repeth....I'm not looking in the bible right now but I think that's along the lines of the Apostle Paul.

But even if we ignore biblical logical, I think we can look at those who don't believe and realize they recognize this and call it Karma. Clearly, it's evident you reap what you sow.

It took me a while to wrap my head around this concept. I debated with a friend on another continent earlier this year asking if God forgives, then why do we still suffer the consequences of our sin? Why don't we get off scott free? David confessed his sin, yet....look at what happened. If you are suffering the consequences, then how can we say there's forgiveness if you still have to pay a price? Look at Paul, he prosecuted and when he became an apostle, well... he went through the same thing. Was that repayment? a you reap what you sow? These are many questions I had and we went about this for over an hour.

Well, here's what she said: You are forgiven but you must pay the consequence of your sin. I didn't understand what she said back then but through a series of personal study and prayer, I've come to understand this concept. Might discuss some other time.

I've personally realized it's like an unspoken, unwritten law of nature; You reap what you sow. Something happened last year when I moved into my current residence. I did nothing about it. It's been over a year. But last month I saw what looked like a repayment. It reminded me of the Psalm 91 ...only with your eyes shall you see...It took a while but I realized what the person did, they reaped. So here's what I was wondering last week: Somewhere God says "Vengence is mine, I will repay". Note the word "will". This is God saying "I will repay".  My focus here is on "I will repay".  Is this what it stems from? That He will repay? Because if it is, then He surely does repay.

Life is not a snapshot

I find it very hard to see God's action in my life, most of the time when it's ongoing. Lately I operate on faith and trust. A lot of times in the past, it's been a matter of praying because I think the process hasn't started or because I think it's not being  done. What I find quite easier to do, however, is see what God had done in hindsight. Note I said "easier" which means even then I don't see it always. There are times when I recognize something 5 or 10 years after the fact or even more. But usually within weeks, months or justa few years, I can see in hindsight.

What makes it hard to see? I don't know. I'll speculate and say our expectations may be part of it. We're not seeing it done the way we expect and so it appears it's not being done.  But when the results show up, oftentimes, it's easier to look back and see what had been going on and how it led to the results.

One thing I used to struggle with was Joseph. Why did he have to go through all of that : being sold, Potiphar's wife, being thrown to jail, the fact that he was in a foreign land with no family. What if Potiphar had chosen to kill him rather than throw him in Jail? I've come to realize the whole thing was a way for God to provide for Jacob and his family in the family that was yet to come. Egypt had the resources and people and logistics to produce and store food for that.

Well then why did Joseph had to go through ALL of that if God wanted him to end upa ruler in Egypt? Why didn't he just take him straight to it? I can't answer for God but here's my thought: would Americans accept a young man from say Poland as vice president? There are citizens here who are qualified right? So why would Egyptians accept some foreigner to rule without any merit? Not gonna happen. If you look closely it all falls into place perfectly.

What about the question I posed earlier about what if Potiphar had killed rather than throw in jail? Remember Job? God doesn't throw the soul he created to the devil. He was with Joseph guiding the situation and I believe he wouldn't let that happen. If the plan is to slowly get Joseph right under Pharaoh so his family can be provided for when that famine came, death was certainly not in the picture. Logically it defeats the whole purpose.

I've personally seen something go in on my life that didn't make sense. And I thought I'd seen the end result a week ago and I was so thankful to God because in hindsight I saw what He'd done and I was amazed. I thought that was the end point of what God was doing. This wasn't something I'd even prayed for. Well today I read an email and I was shocked and amazed. I thought I'd looked in hindsight a week ago and seen what God had done but now I see what He's done. What I thought was His completion was still a part of the process.

All I can say is He saw what was coming yesterday and He made provisions for me. I was thinking these provisions started a month ago but who's to say He didn't start  this 4 years ago? What has amazed me is how in a time when others have uncertainty at sudden bad news, I can look back and say "Thank You, God".

His ways are perfect. Sometimes I wish I know He's working so I can quiet down and not worry or panic. But lately though, I'm rest assured that He will not fail at His word. And I'm times of trouble, I'm assured by Psalm 46:10.

Life is not a snapshot - there's a bigger picture.

The "how"

This is something I've used in the past to remind myself when in trouble :

Israel, standing before the red sea look back and see the Egyptian army. May I emphasize “army” so we acknowledge they are armed, chariots et all. They look before them and it's a see. What do they do?

Here's the human way to look at it. Going forward means drowning which is death. Going back means death for a mighty army was coming after them. What to they do?

In the past, I've used this to remind myself when I'm in a bind that God can deliver. Since he was able to do it for Israel. And that what they should have done is remember his mighty deeds in Egypt and realize he had not changed since they left Egypt - He was still the God who can do miracles. But it's so easy to say that isn't it? Trust in God. Yet, many of us have experienced God's miracles in our lives and in times of trouble, we crumble faster than we can say the word “pray”. 

But even in times when I've reminded myself that God can do it, many many times, I've asked “HOW?” Because the reason I'm panicking in most of these instances is that I see no way- no way out, no solution, an impossibility. I want to know how. And as I write this I'm starting to think it's because if I know how God would do it, I can analyze it and say “oh yeah, it can be done that way” and then I wouldn't worry. There have been times I've prayed asking God “just show me how, Lord”. I want to know how so my anxiety can lessen. I know God can do it, I don't don't His power. It's wanting to be in the know that gets me. There's also been few times I've asked “will you?” And most other times it's been “when?” The how and when are what I tend to ask. I'll deal with the others another day but when it comes to the how, should that even be a question?

One thing that cemented the fact that God is omniscient was a Him telling Abraham his descendants would be slaves in another land and He would deliver them. Abraham didn't ask how? He trusted that promise.

Sometimes not seeing ‘how’ leads us to take matters into our own hands. We attempt to create a solution and in so doing we not only make things worse, but we sin and even in cases where we do get things taken care of, there is still a shadow of sin behind it. I usually think of King Saul who went ahead to sacrifice before Samuel you there. And many times I've prayed asking God not to put me in that position as Saul where I act before his grace appears. Because if Saul had not sinned, would there have been a David?

But it's so hard to just sit tight and wait, isn't it? So here's what I read from Spurgeon:

We may leave the "how" with the Lord and be content to rejoice in the fact that He will, in some way or other, bring His own people through all the dangers, trials, and temptations for this mortal life to His own right hand in glory.

How simple! The Lord has promised He will be with us, He will deliver us, that if we call upon Him, He will answer. Do we need to know the how? I think it shows a lack of trust and faith for if we truly believed, we should be like Abraham - content with the knowledge that God would do as he's promised and not bother with the "how".

When do you pray?

Someone hinted along the lines of

the police is like life insurance - no one thinks they need them until they do.

Might not apply to everyone as some people see the importance of life insurance likewise the police.

But what about God? My initial intent was to pose a question but then this just slipped through my head. Do we put God in this category? Or do we at times put God in this category? Where we don't need Him until we do our think we do? I've seen it many times where something happens and the response is let us pray. Yet we've gone around pretending there is no God. Is it times of sickness? Need for a job? A child? What drives you to the foot of the cross?

I just have a nagging feeling tonight to pray. I went to work this motor and I remember telling a patient "I actually prayed this morning and it seems like everything that can go wrong is going wrong". It was busy. And I believe I repeated that phrase to at least two more people. But is that really true?
 Let's see: what was going wrong with me besides being busy? Nothing. I actually had someone who came in for a joint replacement needing a higher level of care, and this was after a transfusion. But she was still cheerful. I had others with little minute issues and yet, they were all ok. Perhaps I expected things a bit slower and I hit the ground running. Everyone was busy. And I think I wasn't having it that bad. I got some passive aggressive attitude for just leaving at the time scheduled instead of staying extra and that made me just want to leave quickly when my time was up. I actually took care of some wonderful people today and if anything, they are the ones who should be saying things are going wrong.

Here's the defining moment: I went to sit on another unit, had my lunch, finished paperwork I didn't get chance to do running around and right when I'd started a note, I heard a thud. I thought someone had just dropped something but two others were going in that direction so I got up and a co-worker was down. She slipped with the people cleaning the floors. And this person is actually nice, genuinely too. So after all the hoopla, I wheeled them down to the ED. The whole situation was terrible. I really felt sorry for them and kept telling them that. I had an injury years ago and what someone said to me was it's part of the job, a job hazard. Terrible time but that is something I'll never tell someone. I don't think what this person went through is that and for anyone who reads this, please don't say that to another person or the phrase "it happens".

That said, who really has had a bad day. This person who was just doing her job? Or me who had been done and was just finishing up to leave? Then it occurred to me: everything that could happen had not happened! I could've been the one. I could've had something crazy and so on. I actually had lovely patients who had little things popping up here and there. But this epiphany didn't occur to me tilli was walking out. Then I thought it is really God who protects us. That silly phrase made it sound like I'd prayed and things were going wrong despite it, like my prayers were ineffective and it's as if I hadn't prayed? But that is the wrong way to look at it. Actually my prayers had been effective, had that not been the case, I could have ended up in many different scenarios. So what if by praying, I actually had the bigger stuff taken care off ? The real response is I'm so glad I prayed today Because it would have been worse had I not prayed. Now that I've taken my eyes off the "things that went wrong", I've actually decided to look at what went right.

1. I almost rushed into a trade that would have gone south but being busy kept me away . I actually had an order that I cancelled. So my prayers were effective and were answered. 
2. I could have had a terrible group. So again my prayers were answered.
3. Also any crazy thing could have happened, like it did to my coworker for I had walk that same side prior.

So when do we feel our prayers have been answered? I think that should be the real question here. Is it when we pray and everything, I mean everything, goes well with us? Is it when we pray and get exactly what we asked for? Or is there another measuring stick we use to evaluate the results of our prayers?

Do we pause to think that maybe, just maybe we were given something better then we asked for? Or maybe what we asked want right for us except our myopic vision prevented us from seeing it. I've had instances in my life where I've said " Lord thank you for not giving me what I asked for" or " Lord thank You I actually got this instead of that". Unfortunately, it's always in hindsight for when I'm not getting what I've prayed for, the time is different, the attitude is different. Instead of it being thankful, it's one of questioning and wondering why? Why am I not getting whati prayed for? What have I done? Why won't God honor his word? And so much more and then sometimes it gets wise into the territory of accusing God. Lately I've said Lord let me know what you're doing so I don't fuss in the process. I'm thinking of Joseph knew what was ahead, he probably would have worried less knowing he was going to end up great and if Job knew what was going on behind the scenes, he would have mourned less. But if Satan, being that he's not all knowing like Good, had also been given inside knowledge to know that God would restore Job after everything, would he made gone ahead and wasted his energy tormenting him? I think that answer is yes. He likes to torment!

So when we pray, why can't we trust God to answer? Why would He who bids us to pray not answer? And why can't we accept that maybe the answer would be different than we expect? That maybe it would be better? And why can't we remember that sometimes he takes his time to answer? Perhaps waiting for the right time?

But telling God to let us in on what He's doing begs the question why can't we just trust Him and remember that he has our best interests at heart?

Bless the Lord

For some reason, I was yearning to listen to this song  last night and then today. I purchased it right when it was released but it's been a while since I listened to it. Definitely over a year. It's "Bless the Lord" by Laura Story. I think it's because that's how I feel. It's what I want to say "Bless the Lord O my soul." I sang it out, from my heart.

I really feel like God knows what's best for me. He sees my hidden enemies and protects me from them. He also sees the parts of me that need to be stripped away and he's the only one who knows the heart of man. However, I see the fingerprint of God in my life. I see him "refining" me. And I'm learning to actually let go and rely on him. Oh what a relief it is! Letting go and relying on God. It's so hard to do but once it's done, the question I usually ask myself is why was I holding on? And one thing I pray for is the eyes to see the riches of God's mercy in my life because sometimes in hard times, some of us are quick to forget everything God has done and see what he has not yet done for us. We forget what we have and only see what we don't have. That and I'm thankful to God for seeing me through the past year.

Yesterday I wrote about being content. "Hell never gives up a soul without a fight" - I forget who wrote that, Lewis I think, not sure right now. Through the craziness of the past year and everything that keeps popping up after each other. I feel like God has seen me through, and He is see me through now and He will see me through the future. And all the while I say "Bless the Lord O my soul." No matter what flies up to set me back, my heart blesses the Lord and I say bless the Lord.

For anyone interested, here's the lyrics of Bless the Lord by Laura Story.

You give and take away for my good

For who am I to say what I need?

For You alone see the hidden parts of me

That need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine

I'm learning to let go and rely

On One who walks with me

As hard as it may be,

You're teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul

All that's in me bless Your name

Forget not Your power untold

Not Your glory or Your fame

For You came to heal the broken

To redeem and make me whole

Bless the Lord, O my soul

Lord, You give and take away for my good

For who am I to say what I need?

For You alone see the hidden parts of me

That need to be stripped away.

And as You begin to refine

I'm learning to let go and rely

On One who walks with me

As hard as it may be,

You're teaching me all the while to say:

Bless the Lord, O my soul

All that's in me bless Your name

Forget not Your power untold

Not Your glory or Your fame

For You came to heal the broken

To redeem and make me whole

Bless the Lord, O my soul

Though my faith may falter, my strength may fail

I pray for eyes to see the richness of Your mercy shown to me!

Bless the Lord, bless the Lord...

Bless the Lord, O my soul

All that's in me bless Your name

Forget not Your power untold

Not Your glory or Your fame

For You came to heal the broken

To redeem and make me whole

Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

Oh my soul, O my soul

Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

Between the dreaming and the coming true

Another year is almost dawning upon me. It's almost here.
I've not pondered much today but one thing I have given some thought to are this?

Am I better today than I was a year ago?
What have I accomplished in the past year?
Am I older and wiser?

The last question is one that has gone through my mind at various times today. I can certainly say Yes. Am I as wise as I'd like to be? No. However I've started the journey and am grateful for that. Part of the journey was realizing how great my folly was. I've walked around blindly thinking I possess some sense. I did to a degree. But it's silly to equate knowledge with wisdom. There's a line, seemingly thin, between one who possesses knowledge and is wise and one who possesses knowledge and is foolish. I said "seemingly thin" because I've come to realize it's not a thin line.

For all the years I've prayed for wisdom, it took a nasty experience to open my eyes. I am very grateful for that experience. So grateful I thank God and will continue to thank him for it. I should mention that it's a work in progress. On a scale of 0 to 100 I think I'm in the single digits or best case 10. But I do notice a huge difference. A difference between who I was and who I am now. I marvel at it, especially when i look back at a situation where I know the old me would've reacted differently.
So yes, I'm older and wiser.

Am I better today than I was a year ago? That's a very vague, if not broad, question. Is my life better today than it was a year ago? That depends, Do I have everything I've prayed for? No. Do I have some of the things I've prayed for over the years, besides being granted some wisdom, I don't think so. Am I a better christian than I was exactly this time a year ago? That's also hard since it's all subjective and a bit hard to quantify. I think I'm back to square one....actually I'm in between square one and square two. It's also hard because I acted foolishly sometime last year but what makes me think I'm a tad better is that I'm back to where I was...reading my bible, praying...perhaps not praying as much as I'd like or as much as I was last year at this time but nevertheless I am praying. I've had a  period this year where I just unplugged asking "what's the point?" and I think getting past that and continuing definitely puts me past square one. So I'm a bit ahead of where I was. Am I where I hoped to be this year? No. But in terms of life in general...I'll say I'm better off because I'm happy and content. As I mentioned, I don't have what I've prayed for, most of them, and yet, I'm still content.

What have I accomplished in the past year?
Here are the list of things I've accomplished:
1. Who cares?! No one is keeping score.

That is actually something I've accomplished - the realization that no one is keeping score and most people don't care. But in terms of asking myself that question today, I meant it more as in did I waste my year and the answer is no. Part of it yes, but even that, i feel it's something I had to go through so the overall answer is still a No. I'm not going to list accomplishments because no one is keeping score. I've also learned a lot and believe I have a ton more to learn. I've not bothered to post on facebook or put up pictures because....

I  normally make a list of things I'd like to accomplish the next year of my life. The last few years I've had a list of things I pray about, my needs/wants. I pray and fast. I've not gotten an answer to those, yet. Instead of making a list of things I need and want, I'll skip that and just ponder my relationship with God, pray - not with a bunch of requests, and then just commit the next year into the Lord's hands.

"The plans of the mind belongs to man but the answer of the tongue is from God." One of my favorite proverbs. However, the same books counsels to make war by wise guidance and not to be hasty in our actions.

The purpose of this blog...I've pondered many things throughout the year... Read a bible passage and thought of something, read the same thing again and thought of another. I've questioned, I've wondered, I've despaired, I've hoped, I've rejoiced, I've wept. I could go on and on. I want to write down the things fly through my head sometimes, those that make me wonder, or make make me say "Aha!" or whatever. Maybe you've got questions or answers to share. We're all on this journey together and while we're in the enemies territory, as C. S Lewis calls it, I believe holding christian company is essential.

May God increase my faith, wisdom, and make me a better person AND bless me, in Jesus Name. Amen.