Divorce and the Christian

 I am watching Asia Insight and the topic is on Divorce in the Phillipines. What I heard is that they are the only country, apart from the Vatican, to not allow divorce. There is a woman whose husband kept cheating and they have been separated for 11 years now. The husband already has someone he's with and that person has given birth to a child for him. He, too, would like a divorce. Yet, this isn't allowed. They are interviewing a priest and they show a quote from Matthew 19:6

So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Matthew 19:6

I'm thinking to myself that divorce was allowed under the Law and if we would like focus solely on what Jesus said, I find it hypocritical that the verses after this quote are ignored:

"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Matthew 19:7-9

In this passage from Matthew 19, we can tell that divorce is allowed here and the reason given is infidelity. Keep in mind Christ said he didn't come to abolish the Law and we are not under the Law. I mention the Law because before this encounter where Christ clarifies how it was intended from the beginning, what was known regarding divorce is the provision in the Law. Why is Matthew 19:6 focused on solely as the reason against divorce when Jesus says more right after? I have heard people on a sub in past throw out the phrase "God hates divorce". Please provide a verse that states that. Exactly. 

Because Solomon in his 6 things the Lord hates didn't mention that and the ten commandments talk against adultery.  Jesus mentions marital unfaithfulness as an exception. Yet manmade rule prevents it even under this circumstance.

Is there a reason why people are allowing the papacy to tie millstones around their neck in this day and age? People talk about the sanctity of marriage but how is the marriage sanctified when there is constant infidelity because a man thinks his wife can't leave him? It's interesting how these decisions are made by man and interestingly so because look at the survival of most men once their wives leave them. If you are not afraid of your wife leaving you because your ass stinks, allow divorce. I say those who are opposed to it fear for themselves because they know that without that protection, their own livelihood would be endangered. It allows some to abuse women because there are no repercussions and the women are forced to be tied to them. 

The intersting part about the show was that I saw a woman who has lived with a man for 11 years and has a child but hasn't married because she said once she does, that's it. One woman was told that the only grounds for divorce is when the partner dies. Huh? One woman shared she was told by a doctor in their church to inject an air-filled syringe in a area of the neck which looks like the Carotids. I'm actually surprised people aren't killing their spouses as a result but then murder is a sin. They talk about avoiding broken homes. Two people can live together and still have a "broken home". A couple who go around advocating agaisnt divorce in the country were interviewed and I had to say "nonsense" when the woman started spewing out stuff. Good mercy. How are people being yoked under slavery by such things, 

This is my take: if you think you are going to hell when this life ends, why endure hell on earth? And if you think you are going to heaven, why endure hell on earth? 

I say read the bible for yourselves and get to know what the Bible says. No, I'm not telling everyone to get a divorce. I'm pointing out what the bible say. Those who base their stance on Matthew 19:6 while ignoring what comes after are like those who selfishly tout "love your neighbor" while eliminating that part that says "as yourself". You are not meant to hate yourself and love someone; that is hypocritical. Interestingly, predators are the ones who tout it in that fashion. 

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

Boundaries in the bible

 And He made from one [common origin, one source, one blood] all nations of men to settle on the face of the earth, having definitely determined [their] allotted periods of time and the fixed boundaries of their habitation (their settlements, lands, and abodes). —Acts 17:26

I came across this text while reading a book and I thought it's nice the author found a verse that mentions boundaries and then I went "actually" as I recalled that there is a law or command about not moving an ancient boundary stone or line or something definitely about boundaries in the law and Proverbs touches on it too. Since I'm copying a note my kindle as I read, I've decided to look up the actual verses I was vaguely recalling.

Do not move your neighbor's boundary stone set up by your predecessors in the inheritance you receive in the land the LORD your God is giving you to possess.
Deuteronomy 19:14 

And since I mentioned that Proverbs touches on it, here is a verse:

Do not move an ancient boundary stone set up by your forefathers.

Proverbs 22:28

What I've learned is that boundaries in the bible demarcates a person's parcel of land from another. They show where one person's field or territory stops and where another person's start. And in present day, some of us have fences around around our properties. And for those without fences, there is still an implied line where they know their property ends. Notice how they only mow up to a certain point and the neighbor also mows to that point of the land. Both neighbors know that property line even though there isn't a fence. 

So boundaries are important. There are laws prohibiting people from disturbing the boundaries of others. And if those pertain to properties, how much more should the boundary of the body respected? I think it goes without saying. 

Yet there are pathological people who violate the boundaries of others. They completely disregard where they end and another person starts. They think they have the right to all things and all people. If they want to come into your home, they should be allowed into your home without question. They should be allowed into your life regardless of your wishes or desires. And when you try to enforce the boundaries by not allowing them to cross or enter into it, they disregard your wishes and still persist in various ways to get in. They don't seem to understand the word "No".  And regardless of how you say no - nicely, rudely, politely, bluntly - they still refuse to acknowledge your No. 

They refuse to recognize that you are an autonomous person with wishes and desires and your desires does not include them. Forget your desires; they want you and they must do everything they can to be in your life. Predatory Violators! They usually have no shame, too🙄. Their actions should tell you to avoid them. If they cannot respect your boundaries, whether physical, emotional or psychological ones, they don't respect you. Why tolerate a thing that disrespects you? They've shown you that they don't regard you as a person, as a being as they are. Avoid, block and don't feel guilty for not allowing sick predators to prey on you. You are not a substrate to be fed on.

These people try various means to encroach on your space and aspects of your life. 

Do not move an ancient boundary stone or encroach on the fields of the fatherless,

Proverbs 23:10

Are they encroaching into your life in any way? They are Boundary Violators. I decided to look up encroach and here's what google spat out from Oxford Dictonaries:

• intrude on (a person's territory or a thing considered to be a right).
• advance gradually beyond usual or acceptable limits. 

That is the dictionary definitions for "Encroach".

Notice some of the words present: territory, limit, beyond, intrude. 

These people cross limits, disregard territorial lines and pretty much ignore other people. There's a Narcissistic theme underlying this. And a significant number of these Boundary Violators are narcissist of some sort. But no all are. The child who has not been taught boundaries shouldn't be held to the same standard as a grown 40-something year old who knows very well that he exists on this earth with other human beings who have a right to existence in this universe just as he does. 

What's another reason to avoid them?

"Cursed is the man who moves his neighbor's boundary stone." Then all the people shall say, "Amen!"

Deuteronomy 27:15

Job 24 describes a list of things to numerous for me to write here. But one of them are people who move boundaries:

Men move boundary stones; they pasture flocks they have stolen.

Job 24:2

And in the same chapter of Job 24, we learn that judgement will come for such people. 

But God drags away the mighty by his power; though they become established, they have no assurance of life.

He may let them rest in a feeling of security, but his eyes are on their ways.

For a little while they are exalted, and then they are gone; they are brought low and gathered up like all others; they are cut off like heads of grain.

"If this is not so, who can prove me false and reduce my words to nothing?"

Job 24:22-25

Their time will come. And it doesn't matter what boundary they violate. Boundaries exist for fields as well as house. And there are some who violate the physical boundaries of other peoples via way of their bodies. And I'm not just talking of those who sexually violate others, those who beat up others shouldn't think themselves more righteous either. 

Some of these personal boundary violators have violated certain people at some points in their lives and it's simply a matter of time for them to reap what they have sown.  Because they will surely reap what they have sown. One of my favorite verses from Proverbs 11 are:

Be sure of this: The wicked will not go unpunished, but those who are righteous will go free.

Proverbs 11:21

If the righteous receive their due on earth, how much more the ungodly and the sinner!

Proverbs 11:31

I encountered a person years ago and from his actions - trying to intrude and violate my boundaries in various ways, I thought to myself that he had done something I would not name here in the past and surely, it came out of his mouth later that he had. This person had no self-awareness and what scared me most what their lack of discretion. (Now there are many more things about them that scared me). But this was a person in the Church. If you went to his home, you would find an open Bible on a table. Hypocrites! They present a certain pious image but they are wolves in every sense of the word but having the physical appearance of a wolf. They would share things with me that scared me because I was thinking that any conscionable person wouldn't do such a thing and if they did, they would be ashamed to share it without shame. But I've realized that without self-awareness, one doesn't see his or her faults. Which is why it helps to look ourselves and examine ourselves. Sometimes, for me, it happens when I point out something in another and then when I look at myself for  ways I may do similar things, it helps me see it. This way, I can take steps to change and do better as a person. We not perfect. We are humans after all. 

The issue is that we have a finite amount of time on this earth. And the environment we choose to live in matters. The people we choose to surround ourselves with matters. And the people we choose to get "hitched" to in this life also matters. Now, if you know a person has doom heading their way, why join with them? 

A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

Proverbs 22:3

Some of us see very well the people we are dealing with and refuse to perceive what we see. Nathaniel Branden used the phrase "to see what I see and hear what I hear". I think it's also the title to a workbook of his. There is such a thing as seeing and not seeing or hearing and not hearing. Branden isn't the first to describe it. In fact the bible does in both the Old and New Testaments (Isaiah 6:9-10, Matthew 13:13, Mark 4:12 and Luke 8:10). 

So regarding that acquaintance from years ago, I was uncomfortable with their persistent violation of my boundaries. This is the kind of person who somehow found my email without my telling them. They wanted to know where I lived. They wanted to come to my house and despite not wanting them into my house or even on my street, they kept trying to find out and kept asking. What was scary was when they told me they found an address of mine somewhere. Some people have no qualms about their dangerous behaviors. There is nothing in their conscience that pricks them to let them know that this is not right or this is not good. They don't even realize they are violating other people's boundaries because they don't acknowledge boundaries to begin with. To them, you and everything of yours should be accessible to them and they don't understand why it should not be so. They refuse to accept it so. You too refuse to accept it so. Let me state this plainly: Stalkers are boundary violators. I don't care what labels they wear "christian" "law enforcement officer", "doctor" or whatever else they identify as. Avoid such people. They are not worth the stress. If boundary violation was a good thing, the bible would've encouraged it instead of giving us multiple verses against that. And this person I'm describing had the nerve to show up at a  place and tell me they were in love with me. If I do not want you to know where I live or work because I sensed your predatory qualities, and I have plainly told you that I have no interest in dating you, why do you think declaring your feelings for me will change how I feel. Of course they don't understand because their narcissistic nature prevents them from seeing anyone but themselves. 

I decided to do what was good for me and get out of their site. No, I've not shared things that would make your toes curl in here. I decided to not even respond to their messages anymore because telling them politely, nicely or bluntly hadn't worked. And despite this, they kept finding ways to show up at places including where they think I would be - my church included! 

If you think another person needs to be accessible to you because you want them, please go see a shrink or learn to understand the fact that we are all autonomous humans beings with the power of choice and the will to choose. After all, God gave us free will. If call yourself a christian and yet prevent others from exercising their will to choose, are you not acting violently by trying to take things forcefully? Are you not violating the boundaries of others by intruding and encroaching unto their being?

I'm going to go back to my reading because I read the verse at the beginning of the chapter and didn't bother to read further. I'll say this: when a person displays pathological traits, please see what you see, hear what you hear and act in accordance with the knowledge. What was it the action to take? Please see Proverbs 22:3 above. Avoid them!

MENTAL GYMNASTICS

I was thinking about times when I’ve spent (or should I say wasted?) time doing what I’m call "mental gymnastics". I ponder, think, plan, think again, contemplate and ruminate about how to do something or get through or out of a situation. And I come up with this plan, or that plan, or maybe I should do this or do that now and this later. I spend weeks doing this and stressing about who I’m going to get through or out of the situation, whichever one applies. And then when the time gets there, I realize I had no part to play in getting through or out of that situation. The only part I had in it was simply existing. Because God did it all without a single intervention from me. I didn’t have to put any of my plans into place. I didn’t have to do anything. It simply happened with no input from me whatsoever. And that’s when I’ve said in the past sometimes: “why was I stressing?”

Because they are usually situations I spent days and weeks and sometimes months or over a year worried about it. I spent time thinking “what would I do when this time comes?” Sometimes, it’s been a matter of getting out of an unpleasant situation. And in two good instances I recall very well, instances where I thought of what to say to the person to get out of their lives without them trying to hold onto me or guilt me from leaving, They have removed themselves. I’m not kidding. They removed themselves and the good thing is that because I had been thinking for weeks or months about how to get them out of my life, I am usually so grateful that I keep it that way. Now the irony is that when they’ve been gone for months and realized that I wasn’t coming after them, they try to come back. They may stalk in some way or form. They may try to reach out via phone, text, or whatever means. Little did they realize that not only where they not important in my life, I was trying to get rid of them and they simply helped me. In one situation, I changed my phone numbers months later. If you were in my life when I got the new number, you would know. You were gone. Good riddance!

But the instances in my life haven’t been only a matter of toxic personalities I needed out of my life; it has also been a matter of situations where I wondered how I was going to deal with it when I got there.” I think I’ll borrow this and do that, and ask so and so for this”. “I think I’ll do this and that and hopefully that works”. “I think I will tell so and so to tell them this and make a request on my behalf”. And the list goes on and on. We spend time ruminating about how to handle a situation. And sometimes, it is a situations that is coming at us or it’s something we feel led to do but are not sure how we are going to handle certain obstacles along the route. O Christian! Do you not have the LORD as your God? Is the God of Providence unable to provide for you? Is there a reason why we think he can’t provide for us? 

I don’t think we think that God is unable to provide or won’t provide. I think, for me, I forget. I forget that I am not alone. I forget that God is with me and is guiding me and helping me. I forget the times and when he has helped me in the past. Or I see this situation as different and too big. But then again, I am very well aware that there is nothing God cannot do. Even the sea that has swallowed ships and people, he has command over. So I think that a lot of times, it’s forgetful and not factoring God in the situation. And God isn’t a mathematical constant to factor into a situation. Nevertheless, He is a constant presence in our lives and we need to acknowledge him. 

So, I have been wondering about how to deal with a situation over the last few days. I have thought of ways and tried to come up with plans as I fact in variables and analyze the probabilities. I’ve thought of different things and still don’t have an exact plan as to what I’m going to do or how I’m going to handle the situation. While looking at something online earlier, I saw something regarding this situation and it brought something else to mind. That I had not considered a very likely scenario that requires no intervention on my part. And that was when I remembered that God is able to work things out so that it simply works in our favor just as we had wanted, without any intervention from us. And so I started to feel that it can happen in this situation and it looks really like it. So that I realize it’s worth focusing on now and living, rather than trying to figure out what to do months from now. Because God is extremely capable of handling it. This is the case of wanting the milk I need in May at the beginning of January. Dear Child, it’s not even April. “Give us this day our daily bread”. Let us stop the mental gymnastics and focus on today. When we get to that day, we can trust the God of Providence to give us all that we need that day. 

Here's night update: I found out that the situation I was stressing over isn't one to stress over. I got some information this evening and realized that it's all going to work out even better than I had hoped. And here I was stressing earlier and thinking over the last few days about how to make things work out. And so Psalm 46:10 dawned on me while taking a rest tonight:

"Cease striving and know that I am God" 

 -Psalm 46:10

 

 

What Happened?

 This is a question I kept wondering and asking earlier last year. But I haven't bothered much with it lately. I think it was November 11, so a little over two weeks ago when I discovered this blog. Yes, I had forgotten about this blog. I also realized that it was still tied to the domain name which I had not renewed, probably since 2017. And the blogger name had been replaced with some weird letters so that it wasn't visible on the net. Last night, I was able to get it show up online by removing the custom domain and replacing it with a new Blogger name. I spent some time reading some of the entries - starting with the last entry around Christmas 2016. And then I went and read the first 3 entries. 

What I found interesting was that some of the things I read in the blog were things I felt I had learned in the last few years, and yet, I had written about them in this blog and in 2016 nonetheless. It brought up something I had noticed when I've read my 2009 journal and seen some concepts I felt I had come to learn recently which I apparently knew very well back then. Part of me had wondered what happened? How did I forget? How come I write back then in a way that demonstrates that I knew the concept inherently and yet, I consider it a concept I've come to learn gradually in the last few years or months? 

For some time, 2016 seemed like the "lost year". I didn't remember much from that year. I would recall January 2017 and what happened after. But I didn't think much of what came before then. There were times I felt I didn't know what I did in 2016, especially at times when I recount what I did what year and I draw a blank of sorts on 2016. It's only been this year or so that I've recalled some things. And what I recalled was taking multiple certification exams. I certainly didn't recall starting a blog again. None of that. Even when I had gone back into my inbox in the past year or so and seen an old email about the domain expiration, I didn't know what existed for the domain. I didn't realize it was for a blog. it's like it was gone from my memory. 

So imagine my surprise when I wanted to start a new blog and decided to come use this account only to find a blog here. Ha! I had been wanting to blog this year and started a new blog back in June but it sorta felt "directionless" in a way. I think I was trying to blog like others blog and write for an audience and considering that isn't the style I'm really aiming for, I wasn't doing much of it. I made an entry in June, another in July and then didn't show up again until November 5 or so. But after the description of myself in this blog, it reminded me of "me" and what I aim to blog about: things that intrigue me, things that pop up, things that I don't understand or struggle with or want to "ramble" about. Whether things in the bible, things in life, things wherever. For example, I was wondering today that considering we have a finite amount of time on this earth, is there a reason why some people choose to use their time on this earth to create conflict? That came to mind as I was either listening to the news or Newsline In Depth. 

Anyway, I didn't know what to do with this blog. And while I have not thought too much about it, I thought to write here again. That way, one can see my old writings and see my current writings. As I read my old writings, I wondered if I was using my phone to blog or if I was using a tablet and swiping the letters because some of the errors look like keyboard errors. And while I would like to correct them, I'm going to leave them as they are for now. But I still haven't answered the question in the heading: what happened? 

In a way, that is a loaded question. Am I asking what happened in terms of why I didn't blog or what happened to my life since my last blog? The latter is "a lot". And the latter isn't what I'm asking. It's more like the former but I don't think the former is really what I'm asking. One thing I've pondered since reading those entries I read yesterday was my wondering: why I forgot I had a blog? January 2017 is a time I remember so well because I tend to think of it as a turning point of sorts in that I did one of those churchwide fasts - it wasn't something I did. And even then, I didn't give up food but something else. It was also a monumental because I spent the time writing a lot during those fasting days and finished with what appeared to be an epitome of sorts. But I had no recollection of this blog. None whatsoever. And considering I tend to write a lot around new years, I'm now thinking that it's interesting I didn't come back here to write prior to the January fast. And I don't think I planned on participating in the fast. I think I showed up on Sunday, heard the fast was going to be coming on and decided to do it starting that day, I think. 

So when I wonder what happened, I'm primarily wondering why I forgot I had started a blog. A secondary issue is what happened to me. And considering it was yesterday, and I spent the day being productive - something I haven't done in a while, I haven't had much time to ponder the question too much. However, a cursory review makes me wonder if it was some kind of dissociation. I wrote about what happened and that was it. The issue is that while I recall the incident in the sense of showing up on Christmas when I had a dream and that I was working for a particular person, I had forgotten the details. Reading it last night brought back the details and the memory. I also recalled taking off the rest of the year until the new year. Maybe I took almost 2 weeks off or so. I recalled calling a friend and talking to her that day.  I think I was traumatized by the incident in that I hadn't anticipated it coming. Or should I say, I had forgotten because despite the dream I had, I ended up eating a lot and having a good time that I thought all was well until that last hour or so. 

And it's not that I stopped writing, I wrote in my journals. I just somehow forgot I had this blog. I reall wonder if I poured out my thoughts here in the aftermath and walked away. The reason why I mentioned "dissociation" above was how back in 2019 or so, I would say things like "it's like I've been sleeping (through life) and I'm starting to wake up". And the trauma wasn't from that incident only. I had already faced some traumatic events, along with a situation I was actively dealing with and this came along as the proverbial needle. But starting in late 2018 or 2019, I found myself having bursts of energy here and there where I would clean up things I had let be. Or get ride of things I didn't need. I also did a "no buy" in 2019. And in 2020, despite the pandemic, I was able to end the "situation I was actively dealing with". It's like whatever trance I was in, I had woken up form that. I started to enjoy life again. And then I came across a pathological type of person. That's for another day. But I started to retreat in late 2021 and 2022 was a year which would need to be in a movie of my life - if one is to be made. But late 2022, an incident happened at work that got me to read a book. And with that, I decided to try therapy in 2023 and that was what had me wondering what happened? Because I felt like I had forgotten things. And as I write this, I think that whatever I experienced in after 2016, I came out of it only to deal with a stalker and other things after. There was also this painful period where it was almost like things would happen and I would wonder "why I did that". It's been interesting. 

My goal isn't to catch up as this blog has been miraculously offline for sometime. I had good views even in that short time. My goal is to continue from where I am, with some throwbacks and filling in the gaps as I reference certain things. Maybe, I'll have moments when I share some of the things I went through. A lot has happened. There were times I felt lost, times of despair, times I came across human predators of the worst kind, times I questioned things about myself, reality, life and whatever else there was and there were times when I was tired of it all, felt like I was done but I was not alone. There were times when what I was feeding on was simply God's word or his word through a sermon. I have learned that  through all these, I've learned we are more than conquerors through him who loved us (Romans (8:37). 

Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. 
Isaiah 46:4-5 NIV 
 

On the road to Gethsemane, I thought I lost my way - it turns out God was holding me throughout the entire journey and was carrying me. So what happened? I've written down what I think could be a possible option but one of the miracles of the situation is that I still lived life, I accomplished things including getting my Masters and completing other things. So I don't know for certain but despite what I currently think is the plausible explanation, I realize that even in that situation, I managed to live like nothing was wrong for the most part and survived life. And I thank God for that. 

So, I'm hoping to continue with various things here. If you come across this post, look around. I've found some of these entries quite helpful as I read them myself yesterday. 

A dream and a death on Christmas

I had a dream  and I had forgotten about till I got to work. The last time I worked Christmas was either 2008 or 2009 but I doubt it was any of them considering we were barely working Christmas of 2009. The last time I worked 7a-7p on a Sunday, sometime in early 2009. I usually don't work Sundays because I don't like to. Today is Christmas and a Sunday. I agreed to work for someone. Why O Why?

So, the dream was that I got to work and was told by the office I wasn't needed where I had been scheduled and was going elsewhere I dreaded. So, my thinking was to prevent the dream from coming true, let me go to the unit directly versus the office in  the dream where I as told I was going to work somewhere else. So,  I went directly to the scheduled place thinking it was just a dream but my name wasn't there so I went to the office and just like the dream I was told I was going to 'XYZ'. I was actually told at the first unit and I told the secretary there I had a dream about today. I said something along the lines of "what a nightmare" or something with nightmare in it.

Interestingly, the day was going well. When I walked in, I heard a guy screaming and immediately said "that's my patient." And it turns out, He was. He was yelling, and he continued but stopped whenever I was in there or my colleague was in there.  No narcs or benzos given but he calmed down. So  I thought it was going to be bad like I had dreamt. I was in there doing some stuff between 1610 and 1625, went on break, came back at 1740 and looks like guy had tried moving out of bed. leg was hanging off, the other was inside. I start an antibiotic, repositioned, suctioned and then I noticed he's clammy. He would not take his meal. So I check is BP, darn!  Call a rapid but he's DNR.


What's heartbreaking was his daughters. The visitor who came in around 2ish earlier had commented they had not come to see him since admission. I talked to the visitor for a while in the room and he even pulled me out to tell me something they didn't want the patient finding out since he was sick. The daughters showed up around the beginning of the rapid response. They started crying, then wailing. My heart truly went out to them. They saw the man slipping away and eventually saw him die. Apparently, this patient had seen death many times this admission in the same way, he'd stop breathing but they'd be able get him out. He truly had nine lives. They didn't expect him to make it the next time it happened, which was today. We were hoping he'd see the new year.  But the daughters, they had ignored him and the one time they show up, he had agonal breath.Their pain, I cannot imagine.

His mom, she came in thanking everyone, she'd been taking care of him, seen him crash so many times and come out and yet, she didn't ask why couldn't you save him this time. She kept thanking us and saying you took such good care of him. She was so composed.

Me: I thought I had escaped the pull this morning when I went to the original unit and somehow, I got sent to the office and saw my dream en vivo (live). But I also thought my nightmare wouldn't be considering the lovely day I was having and somehow the last hour ended up being the nightmare. I thought I had escaped. Another person said to me, 'i felt this was going to happen, I was just waiting for it.' What scares me is the dream. It's been forever since I had dreams that just happened during the day when I woke up.
I'll admit I'm a bit scared having a dream manifest. I used to be scared in times past when I've had dreams come true like that. A friend said maybe this was meant to happen on your watch.

I've not had someone die on my watch here. I usually say no one dies on my watch. And somehow, on Christmas, on a Sunday, days when my chances of working are almost zero, this happens. I drove home listening to Marco Antonio Solis' "navidad sin ti"

Otro año ya se ha ido

cuantas cosas han pasado

algo hemos aprendido

y algo hemos olvidado.....

I've been listening to and signing this song but now, I feel those daughters would need it more than I do. As Caesar said, "death a necessary end will come when it would come".

Merry Christmas.

It's hard being lost

It's hard being lost because a lost of times you do not know that the missing element is YOU. Toi, tu, Du, whatever language you want to say that in. it's also a terrible feeling because you feel and know something is missing. You search and search but don't know exactly what it is so you can't find it.

The other mistake is thinking it's something else missing from your life when it's really YOU. I think I mentioned a few posts ago how terrible it is to be searching for what you think is there but doesn't even exist. It's like chasing the wind. You never catch it.

On Being Ready - A tale of the wine jar

The last chapter in Isaiah spoke personally to me because it gave me hope. It was the most reassuring passage I'd read. It's the part that talks about shall I bring to delivery and not give birth? part. It was the assurance that God will follow through.

I was talking to someone and he mentioned something similar. My crazy miente assumed that was a confirmation that God was still going to come through for me. But He also mentioned sometimes, God doesn't do something because you're not ready. My mind ignored that completely.

Ready, I've been ready, I've prayed and prayed. But praying does not equal ready. Over the last few weeks I've come to realize that I wasn't ready for certain things. I was not wise. I needed to learn certain things first.

I liken it to having new wine and a dirty old wine vessel. You can't pour new wine into the dirty old vessel. It'll mess up the new wine as it'll become contaminated. Instead, one must first clean the old vessel and then it'll be ready for the new wine. So it is with us. Sometimes, God needs to make us ready for certain things. Whether through experiences that will teach us lessons or by us making our own mistakes and stumbling in the dark till we realize we need a light to help us find our way. Either way, sometimes, we're not ready. we are dirty wine jars that need to be cleaned out and made ready for the new wine. Otherwise, the new wine poured into the dirty vessel will become dirty and no good.

The caveat is that the cleaning (or should I say learning) experience can be quite painful. The jar endures the hard scrub, we endure pain sometimes.