This is a question I kept wondering and asking earlier last year. But I haven't bothered much with it lately. I think it was November 11, so a little over two weeks ago when I discovered this blog. Yes, I had forgotten about this blog. I also realized that it was still tied to the domain name which I had not renewed, probably since 2017. And the blogger name had been replaced with some weird letters so that it wasn't visible on the net. Last night, I was able to get it show up online by removing the custom domain and replacing it with a new Blogger name. I spent some time reading some of the entries - starting with the last entry around Christmas 2016. And then I went and read the first 3 entries.
What I found interesting was that some of the things I read in the blog were things I felt I had learned in the last few years, and yet, I had written about them in this blog and in 2016 nonetheless. It brought up something I had noticed when I've read my 2009 journal and seen some concepts I felt I had come to learn recently which I apparently knew very well back then. Part of me had wondered what happened? How did I forget? How come I write back then in a way that demonstrates that I knew the concept inherently and yet, I consider it a concept I've come to learn gradually in the last few years or months?
For some time, 2016 seemed like the "lost year". I didn't remember much from that year. I would recall January 2017 and what happened after. But I didn't think much of what came before then. There were times I felt I didn't know what I did in 2016, especially at times when I recount what I did what year and I draw a blank of sorts on 2016. It's only been this year or so that I've recalled some things. And what I recalled was taking multiple certification exams. I certainly didn't recall starting a blog again. None of that. Even when I had gone back into my inbox in the past year or so and seen an old email about the domain expiration, I didn't know what existed for the domain. I didn't realize it was for a blog. it's like it was gone from my memory.
So imagine my surprise when I wanted to start a new blog and decided to come use this account only to find a blog here. Ha! I had been wanting to blog this year and started a new blog back in June but it sorta felt "directionless" in a way. I think I was trying to blog like others blog and write for an audience and considering that isn't the style I'm really aiming for, I wasn't doing much of it. I made an entry in June, another in July and then didn't show up again until November 5 or so. But after the description of myself in this blog, it reminded me of "me" and what I aim to blog about: things that intrigue me, things that pop up, things that I don't understand or struggle with or want to "ramble" about. Whether things in the bible, things in life, things wherever. For example, I was wondering today that considering we have a finite amount of time on this earth, is there a reason why some people choose to use their time on this earth to create conflict? That came to mind as I was either listening to the news or Newsline In Depth.
Anyway, I didn't know what to do with this blog. And while I have not thought too much about it, I thought to write here again. That way, one can see my old writings and see my current writings. As I read my old writings, I wondered if I was using my phone to blog or if I was using a tablet and swiping the letters because some of the errors look like keyboard errors. And while I would like to correct them, I'm going to leave them as they are for now. But I still haven't answered the question in the heading: what happened?
In a way, that is a loaded question. Am I asking what happened in terms of why I didn't blog or what happened to my life since my last blog? The latter is "a lot". And the latter isn't what I'm asking. It's more like the former but I don't think the former is really what I'm asking. One thing I've pondered since reading those entries I read yesterday was my wondering: why I forgot I had a blog? January 2017 is a time I remember so well because I tend to think of it as a turning point of sorts in that I did one of those churchwide fasts - it wasn't something I did. And even then, I didn't give up food but something else. It was also a monumental because I spent the time writing a lot during those fasting days and finished with what appeared to be an epitome of sorts. But I had no recollection of this blog. None whatsoever. And considering I tend to write a lot around new years, I'm now thinking that it's interesting I didn't come back here to write prior to the January fast. And I don't think I planned on participating in the fast. I think I showed up on Sunday, heard the fast was going to be coming on and decided to do it starting that day, I think.
So when I wonder what happened, I'm primarily wondering why I forgot I had started a blog. A secondary issue is what happened to me. And considering it was yesterday, and I spent the day being productive - something I haven't done in a while, I haven't had much time to ponder the question too much. However, a cursory review makes me wonder if it was some kind of dissociation. I wrote about what happened and that was it. The issue is that while I recall the incident in the sense of showing up on Christmas when I had a dream and that I was working for a particular person, I had forgotten the details. Reading it last night brought back the details and the memory. I also recalled taking off the rest of the year until the new year. Maybe I took almost 2 weeks off or so. I recalled calling a friend and talking to her that day. I think I was traumatized by the incident in that I hadn't anticipated it coming. Or should I say, I had forgotten because despite the dream I had, I ended up eating a lot and having a good time that I thought all was well until that last hour or so.
And it's not that I stopped writing, I wrote in my journals. I just somehow forgot I had this blog. I reall wonder if I poured out my thoughts here in the aftermath and walked away. The reason why I mentioned "dissociation" above was how back in 2019 or so, I would say things like "it's like I've been sleeping (through life) and I'm starting to wake up". And the trauma wasn't from that incident only. I had already faced some traumatic events, along with a situation I was actively dealing with and this came along as the proverbial needle. But starting in late 2018 or 2019, I found myself having bursts of energy here and there where I would clean up things I had let be. Or get ride of things I didn't need. I also did a "no buy" in 2019. And in 2020, despite the pandemic, I was able to end the "situation I was actively dealing with". It's like whatever trance I was in, I had woken up form that. I started to enjoy life again. And then I came across a pathological type of person. That's for another day. But I started to retreat in late 2021 and 2022 was a year which would need to be in a movie of my life - if one is to be made. But late 2022, an incident happened at work that got me to read a book. And with that, I decided to try therapy in 2023 and that was what had me wondering what happened? Because I felt like I had forgotten things. And as I write this, I think that whatever I experienced in after 2016, I came out of it only to deal with a stalker and other things after. There was also this painful period where it was almost like things would happen and I would wonder "why I did that". It's been interesting.
My goal isn't to catch up as this blog has been miraculously offline for sometime. I had good views even in that short time. My goal is to continue from where I am, with some throwbacks and filling in the gaps as I reference certain things. Maybe, I'll have moments when I share some of the things I went through. A lot has happened. There were times I felt lost, times of despair, times I came across human predators of the worst kind, times I questioned things about myself, reality, life and whatever else there was and there were times when I was tired of it all, felt like I was done but I was not alone. There were times when what I was feeding on was simply God's word or his word through a sermon. I have learned that through all these, I've learned we are more than conquerors through him who loved us (Romans (8:37).
Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Isaiah 46:4-5 NIV
On the road to Gethsemane, I thought I lost my way - it turns out God was holding me throughout the entire journey and was carrying me. So what happened? I've written down what I think could be a possible option but one of the miracles of the situation is that I still lived life, I accomplished things including getting my Masters and completing other things. So I don't know for certain but despite what I currently think is the plausible explanation, I realize that even in that situation, I managed to live like nothing was wrong for the most part and survived life. And I thank God for that.
So, I'm hoping to continue with various things here. If you come across this post, look around. I've found some of these entries quite helpful as I read them myself yesterday.
